MY URBAN KVETCH

Getting Engaged: Part Two - Courting Engagement

(It's always gratifying when a blog post here starts a conversation somewhere else. To check out how the subject of engagement might look through an education lens, check out Dan Mendelsohn Aviv's post at his blog, The Next Jew. And now, part two.)

While Jewish engagement professionals struggle with questions and answers that may not satisfy funders or program providers, it may help - because it at least helps me - to focus on building and deepening personal relationships, which should be the foundation of any expected engagement.

1. Attendance is not engagement. Having 200 people at your event doesn't mean you've engaged 200 people any more than going on speed dates with 200 people means you're in a relationship. (In some cases, speed dating might get you closer.) Like Facebook relationship statuses, connection to community often gets an "It's Complicated." A packed house creates great energy, but can dilute content, and may overwhelm in a way that prevents relationships from forming, either among individual particpants or with the convening organization(s). So if you're a Jewish professional who's staffing this incredibly successful party, get out there and talk to people you don't know. Find out what they're passionate about, introduce them to other people, especially if you discover a point of connection. Then empower them to work with you in achieving something neither of you could do separately. Create the connection, forge a relationship, then leverage it to greatness.

2. "Engagement" or "young leadership" may not be everyone’s goal. While some young adults state an ambition toward leadership or a desire to become deeply involved, most people may be satisfied with more of a browsing relationship with Jewish initiatives and institutions - read a book, see a movie, attend a party as wingman for your friend. The default mode is: don't get tied down, try lots of things. It's casual dating. Some may already identify as connected, even if you can't count them among your donors or co-chairs. If you call them "unaffiliated," you may just learn what "disaffiliated" means. Some NextGen folk may be searching and some may be happily single (communally, or within this overarching relationship metaphor). So listen to the people who come through your doors, and make sure there is room in your Jewish organization for everyone, regardless of their marital and/or procreative status.

3. Age is relative. The 20s and 30s seem to be today’s magic target population, but they’re not the only ones in the Jewish community who may be seeking engagement with community. There are people of other “Gens” around who deserve props for their past and contributions to Jewish communal life. What of the teens who see bar and bat mitzvah as a natural opt-out point but who are the true "NextGen"? What of the poor generationless 40somethings, increasingly closed out of both "young professionals" and "Jewish innovation" programs? How can today’s leadership make room for young(er) professionals without phasing themselves out? The demographics of our collective and particular communities challenge us to think about engagement (and innovation) as a goal that’s independent of age. The question isn’t necessarily “how can we expect 20s and 30s to feel that engagement is important?” but may in fact be “how can we create the space for programs that meet the needs of community members and which make Jewish life meaningful?” So focus on the relationship between the two parties and focus on creating authentic and meaningful experiences. Don’t get hung up on age – it ain’t nothin’ but a number. (For more on the age thing in regard to innovation and leadership, see this piece at eJewishPhilanthropy.)

Limmud on One Leg: Vayigash

Writing to you from Warwick, UK, where I'm attending a full Limmud conference. (As opposed to last year, when forces of nature tried to prevent me and only succeeded in delaying me. For a reminder of that fine time, check out "Snowpocalyptic Airport Sleepover," "Sleeping at JFK: Hot Tips for a Quick Nap," and of course, the crowd-pleasing "20 Things to Do at JFK Airport During a Snowpocalypse.")

Limmud regularly asks individual presenters to write interpretive pieces on the Torah portion for a weekly email called "Limmud on One Leg" - this is mine, on Vayigash (written for Limmud on One Leg, week of December 25, 2011.)

Saying kaddish for my mother this year, I spend a lot of time in shul, spending Shacharit (or Mincha or Maariv) thinking about the words, the editors’ translations, and the choreography that accompanies certain pieces of text. Recently, I was contemplating the beginning of the Amidah, the prayer in which we approach God in meditative encounter. Taking three steps back, we pray “God, open my lips”; three steps forward, and we complete the thought, “and may my mouth tell your praises.” We need this preface because we approach our Creator with a twofold fear: 1) That we will be speechless, and 2) That if we do indeed succeed in opening our mouths, the words we unleash may be not be words of praise. Then thanks to Limmud, I found myself contemplating Vayigash and the idea of “approach.”

In this Torah portion, Jacob’s son Judah approaches the viceroy – an unrecognizable Joseph – to beg for Benjamin’s freedom. As Judah approaches, he petitions Joseph-in-disguise through a paragraphs-long retelling of the history of the brothers’ arrival in Egypt. His mouth opens, and what comes out is verbal choreography: preparatory steps back that integrate the viceroy into the larger story as Judah sticks to his liturgy: “this is who we are, this is where we came from, this is what we need.” Approaching the man in power, and using deferential language, Judah indicates his intention to enter into relationship with the viceroy and his willingness to assume responsibility for his brothers, whatever the consequences.

The act of approach is both art and intimacy. It takes confidence and strength, sensitivity and humility. Proximity - a literal step closer to a thing, an experience or a person - is the first step toward face-to-face encounter, and the closer you are, the harder it is to hide your identity or conceal your intentions. By stepping forward into a new experience, or coming face-to-face with a challenging person or piece of learning, we enter into a relationship that is scary but intimate, honest, exciting and holy. Judah’s monologue is rewarded with revelation and embrace. But after our Amidah, we must retreat from that intimate moment, without the powerful relief of a forgiving embrace from a long-lost relative. Instead, we have another set of back-and-forth steps, accompanied by a prayer for peace over all of Israel.

Perhaps the message here is that, although we are reluctant to disengage from the intimacy, the approach itself enables us to connect more honestly with everyone. As we tell our stories and engage with texts and people, let us always approach with the sense that this work, approached with humility and candor, can transform us all.

TribeFest Begins: Schmoozing & Food Complaints Expected

I'm sure that the food at TribeFest will be perfectly fine. But that won't stop us from complaining about it. For instance, when the Jews left Egypt - a place where they were enslaved - some of them wanted to go back because the food in Egypt was better. Also, let us not forget the great Hadassah Chopped Liver Incident of 1998. Those of you who were there remember what I'm talking about.

But all of this is preamble for the fact that as I type this, Jews ages 25-45 are converging on (if not already weekending in) Las Vegas, schmoozing, networking, dancing and getting their Jewve back. (That's a new word, people. Jew+groove. Combonyms are fun.)

Tomorrow the content begins, with sessions on various subjects, big musical performances, and the undisputed headlining component of the program, my session on "Passion to Paycheck," undoubtedly will be mobbed by folks wanting to crack the complicated, challenging world of Jewish communal service. So if you're going out in Vegas Monday night (the last night of the conference), prepare to hear this a lot: "OK, I'll go out, but I have to get up early Tuesday for 'Passion to Paycheck' at 9:45am."

I'll be there, representing all the organizations I usually represent at such conferences, and hoping to have some time to socialize with some friends old and new visiting from locations like Denver, San Francisco, New York, DC, Boston and Ann Arbor, MI.

I'm not sure how much time I'll have for blogging, but in the interim, you can get your fix from Twitter: follow the #tribefest tag, or check out my Tweets at @EstherK. If you're interested in how my first time in Vegas went, check out this vintage video from the Israelity Tour in 2008. 

And remember the adage: what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, as long as you don't bring 1200 members of the tribe with you. 

 

Where Are the Opinionated Jewish Women?

Where are the opinionated Jewish women? This cry of yearning comes (certainly) not from the profiles of men on JDate, or from the comics who pronounce Jewish women as totally, (in some cases) intolerably, overbearing and overopinionated. This question hails from the halls of Jewish journalism, but echoes into other areas -feminism, relationships, work/life balance, attitudes and work methodologies - in none of which have I received a degree, but to all of which I can speak from my experience and the experiences of my female peers.

During her tenure as the interim op-ed editor at the Forward, associate editor Karen Loew noted - in a piece titled "Missing Half of the Potentially Best Ideas" - that most unsolicited submissions came from men. This led her to wonder why women weren't speaking up.

I don't have an opinion about this. I actually have several - from the list below, looks like five of them. (This post is an expansion of the response I posted on the Forward website). And I've given each of these opinions a dual title from the world of TV, just because. 

1) Mad Men vs. Designing Women. The key word in describing the Forward's submissions may be "unsolicited." Most of the writers I know are women, and most of us tend to design our approach to publications: we do our research on the publication, find an editor who might be receptive to our pitch on a certain subject, and submit to that person. Instead of throwing a lot of stuff at the wall and hoping for publication, engaging a strategy to hit a specific target seems like a more reasonable option. Sometimes this process results in a delay on conveying the opinion to the editor-in-charge, and by that point, sometimes another writer - for the sake of this argument, perhaps a (mad) man who just fired off a response and didn't go through any channels, gets there first. 

2) Desperate (for free time) Housewives / The Real Housewives of (Your Jewish City). Perhaps married women with children (certainly with another job, but even without another job) have less time than married men with children, not fewer opinions.

3) Damages / How I Didn't Meet Your Mother. Perhaps single women (with or without children) can damage their marital potential if they are perceived as "too opinionated." If there is indeed a paucity of female op-ed articles, perhaps there is also a social reason: it's unfortunate, but true, that Jewish women are often criticized for being overbearing and overopinionated, especially in the dating realm. Jewish women who write opinionatedly are often seen as "too opinionated," or too strong-willed and independent, which can threaten potential suitors. Yet, somehow, Jewish men never damage their marital potential by being "too opinionated," or even obnoxious, in print. Having spent several years writing about singles issues, I can tell you that this "challenge to authority" through assertive opinions, educational achievement or humor presents a real challenge for strong-willed women who are trying to find meaningful relationships. 

4) Gilmore Girls vs. Sons of Anarchy. Perhaps women in general are more collaborative than accusatory - a work style which sometimes translates to a perception of weakness because it's not perhaps as strongly stated or unilateral as another piece on the same subject written by someone who is more of a leader and less of a collaborative thinker who is committed to conversation. We see this all the time in the Jewish blogosphere, although I won't name names. But while I'm generalizing, think about the division of labor even in the emergent social media world: you'll likely find many more men who are designing wireframes for websites, and many more women who are engaged in the work of audience-building, which relies heavily on relationships, establishing trust, and providing content that's valuable.

5) Community / Who's the Boss? If you scan most Jewish newspapers' opinions sections, you'll find that Jewish op-eds are often submitted under the names of Jewish organizational execs, a population in which women are underrepresented. Within this explanation is also a sub-explanation that many people don't talk about - it is entirely possible (and, in some cases, probable) that organizational op-eds are ghostwritten completely or partially by women, and then sent out bearing the name of the organization's leader.

Loew closes her piece with an invitation/challenge: "Women, it’s time to start typing. I’ll make it easy: Forward Opinion Editor Daniel Treiman awaits your submissions at [email protected]."

I realize that I've made some generalizations above about men and women and how we operate, and that there are exceptions to every rule. I fully expect that some of you will disagree with me. But I'd like to close this piece with a wish for all writers: may we always be blessed with opinions, the words to express them, venues where our work is valued, and the ability to make respectful and positive contributions to communal discussions. I hope that some of those discussions may begin here.

The JDate Breastplate of Truth (full version)

[A slightly shorter version of this piece appears at JDatersAnonymous.com.]

Recently, Jews observed the holiday of Purim, a day whose themes center on disguise, withheld information, and political intrigue. The theme of hiddenness is primary – in which people aren’t necessarily who they seem to be. One notable example of this is that the Book of Esther (also known as the Megillah) is the only book of the canonized Torah that does not contain the name of God. Even the Deity’s presence is hidden in the story, only evidenced within small phrases that intimate help will come from “another place.” 

On Purim, to commemorate the theme of hiddenness and celebrate the inner parts of our lives that we might not always feel comfortable expressing, Jews traditionally dress in costume. Some of these costumes are fun, or (taking a cue from secular cousin Halloween) present an excuse to sex it up a little, at least for the one day. I decided that if the theme was exposure and honesty, my costume choice became clear: I would become the clichés that people write (over and over again) in their online dating profiles. 

How would I do this? Could I wear “a little black dress and jeans and a t-shirt”? How would I visually manifest “working hard and playing hard”? Should I get a fake arm, throw it around my shoulder, and label with a sign that says “my ex – but don’t worry, he’s out of the picture”? I opted for simplicity and resonance: starting with the little black dress, and adding a whiteboard of sorts – then I’d let people add their own clichés via stickers. I wrote out a bunch of them ahead of time, and stuck them to a sign I’d created using the JDate logo. JDate’s catchphrase is “Where It Happens.” I changed that to “Where Clichés Happen.” And then the public art/commenting phase began. 

The results were fascinating. Not only was this a brilliant conversation piece, but I had become a walking blog post, a work created by a community of the fed-up, a family of collaborators all too happy to contribute their frustrations to my rapidly growing list of clichés. My yeshiva education piped up, silently noting that the “public wall” was a 2.0 version of the somewhat mysterious priestly breastplate, the urim v’tummim, which was associated with oracles, divination and truth-telling; instead of the questions coming via the High Priest, these inquiries were coming directly from the people. Some people - also correctly - noted that they thought I was dressed as "refrigerator poetry." (I guess you know what next year's costume will be. :))

Coasties, JAPs, Sexism, Weeds, Rejuveniles and the Definition of Hotness

I seldom use this space to cry "anti-Semitism" or to rail at the misogynist patriarchy, but every once in a while, the Jewish feminist in me uses her guest posting privileges. 

Over the past week or so, my Jewish circles online and off have been buzzing about two things. Most recently, this video ("The Coastie Song," via DCC at Jewschool) from the University of Wisconsin that is an ode to (or perhaps a condemnation of) the East Coast Jewish honeys who are blowing Daddy's money. But even before that came this Details magazine article by Christopher Noxon, celebrating "The Rise of the Hot Jewish Girl" - with its subtitle of "Why American Men Are Lusting After Women of the Tribe," hailed by many as a long-overdue paean to Jewish girls, or women. 

After a few mentions of Rachel Weisz, Natalie Portman, and Mila Kunis, the focus is revealed to be Jewish women in pornography. As feminist site Jezebel noted, "It's a pretext for a package of "JILFS" (guess) that include photos of and interviews with starlets whose appeal hasn't historically hinged on their rabbinical status." Are these two pieces of popular culture evidence for the appeal of Jewish women, or are they insults masked as compliments? Are they anti-Jewish, or anti-women, or neither?

It's not that the "Coasties" song itself is so bad - I mean, these guys didn't invent the term (although they did put a beat to defining it) - and with or without "Coasties," the JAP stereotype (as much as all stereotypes) is still alive and well. As a friend just pointed out in an IM chat, women getting offended by this video is kind of like him getting offended by a portrayal of the ludicrous men on "Jersey Shore" (which I'm not sure about, but I get what he's saying). 

I'm pretty sure that this stereotype has skipped me - I've neither the money nor the inclination to spend $500 (or even $15) on sunglasses or wear Uggs (although I admit, I am from the East Coast and occasionally drink Starbucks). But as a single Jewish woman, I still suffer the fallout from stereotypes. After years of writing about relationships between Jewish men and women, I believe that anything that paints Jewish women in general as superficial damages the reputation of all Jewish women, and empowers others to use this stereotype as fact in conversations and in cultural products. (Despite it's clever riff on "Gold Digger," this is why I'm not a fan of the "Gelt Digger" t-shirts.)

People who may not know many Jewish women and who form their opinions of things based on popular culture may see this kind of video in a vacuum and determine that the behavior depicted is typical, or may read the Details article and think all Jewish women are porn stars. But even people who should know better and who deal with Jews many times a day use these tropes to justify bad dating behavior. I think there's a reason that on JDaters Anonymous, my most-commented-on post of the last two years is "Driving the Jewish Men Away," offered originally in jest, but leading to some bitter conversation on why Jewish women may or may not be at fault for the lack of available, willing Jewish men.

Lindsay Lohan Considering Judaism?

The Daily Mail brings us the latest news about Lindsay Lohan, who is rumored to be considering conversion to Judaism. In case you've been living under a rock, the reason for Lindsay's religious shift is not a driving desire to celebrate the upcoming holiday of Purim but because Lindsay's girlfriend Samantha Ronson is Jewish.

The occasion for the latest frenzy over Lohan's religious affiliation was that she attended Ronson's half-brother's bar mitzvah at a Westminster synagogue:

Showing her seriousness about converting, Lindsay had also visited the synagogue the day before with Samantha and her designer sister Charlotte. Entering the synagogue, a photographer asked Lindsay if she was switching religions, to which she replied: 'I'm trying.' Updating her Facebook status this week, Lindsay wrote 'I'm converting'.

Many commenters on a similar story on Haaretz doubt Lohan's commitment to the religion, and Lindsay's own dad thinks it's another phase of religious exploration, noting that she's already plowed through Kabbalah and Scientology. "But either way, she's involving God in her life, and I'm happy about that," he said.

Besides, we all know that Facebook status updates need to be taken seriously. If I ever convert to another religion, I promise to let you all know about it via Facebook.

From the LimmudLA Notebook: Part 1

LimmudLA ended a little over a week ago, and I've just unearthed some of the notes I took over the course of the weekend. Two of my sessions - Jewish innovation and the dating panel - took place on Shabbat, so there are no written records of what happened there. But as I go through the rest of my notes, which includes some reflections on sessions I attended and conducted as well as the people I met, I'll write up some thoughts and post them here.

**

"Esther? Are you EstherK from Twitter?" The question came at me at the beginning of a session I attended called "Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll and Judaism for Adults." Someone called me Esther, and this woman overheard. She identified herself as MillerMosaicLLC, and noted that she had found me looking for Tweets about LimmudLA. Apparently I was the only one on Twitter who was hashtagging LimmudLA, at least this year. Next year, expect that number to be much higher.

**

A guy approaches me on my way out of the Jewish innovation session. He's been urged by a mutual friend of ours to step forward and identify himself. About four or five years ago, he says, he wrote a response on one of my JDaters Anonymous posts, telling a story about a woman who had fallen asleep in her linguini while on a date with him. He tells me that I treated the story as so ludicrous that it couldn't possibly be true. (I've done a backsearch of my site and can't seem to track down the story, so we'll just have to trust his recall.) As he stared at me expectantly and I stammered through an apology for not treating his comment (that I didn't remember) seriously, I was reminded of something that all writers and certainly writers who blog should remember: the people who comment (in most cases) are real people with feelings. Most of them we never have to face, but if perchance we do encounter them f2f (that's face-to-face), we will have to stand behind the things that we've written, even if we don't remember them. As we meander through our daily rants and raves, this is a good reminder to have once in a while, because it demands that we ask ourselves to take the unseen others into consideration.

More memories of and reflections on LimmudLA to come...

My LimmudLA Sessions, Revealed

LimmudLA, an annual post-denominational, multi-generational conference exploring all facets of Jewish life and identity in which everyone has something to learn, and everyone has something to teach is being held February 13-16 in Costa Mesa, CA, and I'm involved with four sessions.

Reshaping the Jewish Future: A Look at Young Jewish Innovation Worldwide Jewish demography studies have focused on the dwindling birth rate. But beyond the numbers panic, Jewish innovation and creativity has seen unprecedented growth as a cohort of young Jews are changing the Jewish future through creative programs. Join representatives of the ROI Community (a global network of Jewish leaders in their 20s and 30s) for a discussion about community partnership with these new initiatives and a glimpse into how globalization may affect the Jewish people.

The Singles Scene: Jewish Dating in the Age of J-Date
Scott Perlo, Esther Kustanowitz, Suzannah Warlick
It has been said that all is fair in love and war, but is everything really fair in the pursuit of love? What are the "sins" of modern dating and matchmaking? How does the Internet affect how we connect with (and sometimes disparage) each other? What do Bible stories teach us about relationships? And how can we as Jews apply our ethical code and tradition to the process of matching ourselves and others? Our panelists explore ethical dating in the modern age.

'Jews' Line is it Anyway?: Basic Improv for Jews
Let's face it: we may be the people of the Book, but our history, while widely documented after the fact, is not pre-scripted. As a people, Jews have always improvised in daily life and our adaptability, intelligence and humor have helped us become an active part of comedy and popular culture. Join other beginning improvisers for basic improv icebreakers and some light cultural analysis of what makes these short-form improv games "Jewish."

Writing Workshop: Find Your Megillah There's a megillah inside every Jew, not just those named Ruth and Esther. Jews are natural storytellers because our faith is based in oral and then written history. But what makes a story worth telling and retelling, generation after generation? In this experimental writing workshop, visit some noteworthy texts from Jewish tradition and engage in free-writing exercises based on and inspired by those texts.

Times and room assignments will be revealed on site, so if you're going, make sure to look for me on the schedule and running around the conference. For more information about LimmudLA, see their website.

In NYC: Two Nights Only...

Back from the West Coast, ever so briefly, for these two events. Feel free to join me (and friends) at either:

Tonight, Wednesday, December 10: ROI Happy Hour NYC:

Westside Tavern, 360 W. 23rd Street (between 8th and 9th Avenues), 6:30pm-?. Not for ROIers only. Come out to meet me and some of the members of the ever-expanding ROI Community.

Tomorrow night, Thursday, December 11: Sex & Relationships with Zeek Magazine: A literary take on the themes of love, romance and sexuality at the 92Y's new Tribeca branch, 200 Hudson Street, NYC. (Subway directions here.)

Joshua Henkin (author of New York Times Notable Book of 2007, Matrimony), Dan Friedman (Associate Editor of Zeek and Arts and Culture editor at the Forward), and Esther D. Kustanowitz (blogger, My Urban Kvetch and JDaters Anonymous) offer a literary take on the themes of love, romance, and sexuality. Find out what writers have to say about the role of marriage in modern families and societies, and the ways that relationships have changed in recent history. Get tickets here.

Hope to see you!