Match Point

Add this to the list of things that prove the aging process is having an effect on my poor, beleaguered brain.

All week, I've been lighting a candle next to my computer; having it lit helps me relax and focus on what I'm writing. I blow out the match, and rest it on the desk, waiting a few minutes for it to fully cool before I toss it into the garbage can.

Yesterday, I was working at my desk, and opened a Hershey's miniature dark chocolate bar, breaking it in half so I could ration the so-dark-it's-nearly-black chocolatey goodness over the course of the evening. (OK, fine--it was over the course of a half hour, so sue me.) As I broke it, little flakes of chocolate fell off of each of the two pieces, landing on my desk.

Before I could think about what I was doing, I picked up these pieces of chocolate and popped them in my mouth. Only one of them wasn't sweet. It was salty, and kind of made my tongue feel funny. Because it wasn't chocolate. It was a burnt, blackened match tip. And that taste was probably sulfur.

I immediately began worrying that match tips were poisoned, and I was gonna die, all because I didn't want a little piece of chocolate to escape. Or maybe it was because I was playing with matches in a new and stupider way. They were safety matches, I reasoned. But the safety undoubtedly refers to the fact that you can't light them in any way besides using the magic matchbook strip...not to accidental ingestion.

A day later, I'm happy to report that although it did taste terrible, my having eaten said match tip was apparently not lethal. But certainly not advised. And certainly, pretty darned stupid.

And what is the point of this, the significance to my having eaten a match? It is of course, the irony of having spent the last two decades or so looking for a match, when one was under my nose the whole time, or at least for the split second between the time I picked it up on my fingertip and popped it into my mouth, hoping for chocolate and receiving salty-sour sulfur and the barest evocation of the fire that once was. Or perhaps it is the wish of my subconscious to achieve a match, or to become matchable, by consuming one, thereby proving once and for all the aphorism that you are what you eat. And perhaps it was a reflexive response to the lack of passion, the lack of heat and fire in a young life that should be, by all means, actively smoking, burning with a fiery zeal.

There’s another solution. It’s less sexy, less admirable. In this scenario, I’m just sitting here at a computer, scripting tales told by an idiot and signifying, ultimately, nothing…except the literal truth: that I ate a match.

Comments

[annabel lee]

d'oh! But hey, a little bit of sulfur is probably good for you. Y'know, if you're suffering a sulfuric acid deficiency or something. (And not letting little pieces of chocolate escape is an excellent thing, btw.)

[Tamara]

I'm not laughing at you I swear. No really! I'm laughing with you ;)

Besides the sulfur episode, I hope you're well.

[Jessica Leigh]

LMAO, lady! Sometimes pregnant women actually eat matchstick heads on purpose because they need the sulphur, which is weird, but not poisonous.
And I agree with Annabel Lee: In the name of not wasting chocolate, you did the right thing.

[mcaryeh]

At the risk of letting a bit of chocolate escape, I think you did the right thing in the end. I would have done the same...

[VJ]

Yes, indeed E, safety matches Are non toxic, but it took about a century to get them that way.

'In 1910, the Diamond Match Company patented the first nonpoisonous match in the U.S., which used a safe chemical called sesquisulfide of phophorous.

United States President William H. Taft publicly asked Diamond Match to release their patent for the good of mankind. They did on January 28, 1911, Congress placed a high tax on matches made with white phosphorous.'[About.com]

And this from the Diamond match Co:

'Chemical Pastes Makes Match Safe
There are more than twenty chemicals used to make a match. These chemicals fall into four classes that comprise the match head: Binder, Fuel, Oxidizing Agent and Dilutants.

* Binder - glue made from recycled materials binds the match head together and holds it to the stick.
* Fuel - the main fuel is sulfur, although other ingredients do burn.
* Oxidizer - potassium chlorate provides oxygen to make the match burn strongly under many conditions.
* Dilutants - these modify the burning rate so that the oxidizer and fuel do not react too violently. They also give the head added bulk. We use items like starch and finely ground sand.' diamondbrands.com

Never fret you can also eat silly putty, most American crayons& pencils with little ill effects now. Yeah, we also need to convince you to patronize some real chocolate too. Cheers, 'VJ'

[Hilary]

So does this mean we'll be seeing chocolate covered matchsticks in the stores soon?

[Ron]

VJ, that was a good description of the match ingredients. But since Esther put combustion residue in her mouth, we will presume that it was even less toxic.

There, Esther, feel better? ;)

[VJ]

Yes, not a bad point to consider Ron. But again here the combustion products were also designed to be non toxic, which is not always the case in many chemical reactions. Cheers, 'VJ'

Dude, point or no, I love how you took one of those "Doh!" moments that make up part of all of our lives and massaged it into a funny metaphore for dating. Nice. And who are you callin' an idiot! Nobody's allowed to talk about E that way, not even you, not even (ab)using Shakespeare. :)