Valentine's Day Grinches

In case you're single this Valentine's Day and are totally sick of all the posts by people in happy functional relationships, I am happy to provide this list of "un-Valentine's Day" posts:

Moxie on Craigslist and its healing properties

Superjux on a "good date" and the deliberation thereafter

Annabel Lee on her plans for Tuesday night with some hot women

First Dates on Short Drunk Guy

Comfort needed: First Dates, WritersBloc

Last year's Valentine's Day post at JDaters Anonymous

And last year's post on GenerationJ, no longer available at their website, appears now here as a special Valentine to all of you...

The Single’s Guide to a Heart-Smart Valentine’s Day
By Esther D. Kustanowitz

The rumors are true. I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day. But somehow, despite the juggernaut of exhortations from 1-800-FLOWERS, Hallmark and every singles organization in New York City, I manage to find meaning in my Valentine-free life.

Because I attended Jewish day schools all the way through 12th grade, my childhood memories of Valentine’s Day were much like my those of any other non-Jewish holiday: extremely minimal, and rendered only through pop culture influences. My copy of Sassy Magazine probably sported a headline on “How to Make Him Your Valentine.” The Judy Blume books I read probably told stories of girls slipping anonymous Valentines inside their crushes’ lockers. I’m sure I understood that sending Valentines—or worse, not getting any—was an essential part of the coming-of-age of my public school contemporaries. But in yeshiva day school? Tu B’Av, an obscure summer holiday with romantic love as its focus, was as close to a Valentine’s Day as we were going to get. And that was that.

When I got to college, I was on my own in a non-Jewish environment: finally, it was time to give Valentine’s Day a whirl. But I ran into a problem: there didn’t seem to be any suitable date prospects (a situation that I don’t seem to have graduated from). So my freshman year girlfriends and I took back a holiday that I had never before celebrated. The equation was genius in its simplicity: Six girls+four pizzas+frozen yogurt=happiness. In our gluttony, we bonded over comforting cheese, chewy crusts and stories of unrealized crushes, without even consciously realizing that we were celebrating and cementing the strength of our female friendships.

Sophomore year, I actually had a boyfriend who was sick as a dog on the day itself. He mustered his energy to make me a card telling me how much he appreciated me. There might have been pizza. I took care of him, bringing him soup and juice. He got better. And the next week, he dumped me.

Junior year, in Israel's Hebrew University, we never knew what date it was, so Valentine’s Day easily escaped our notice. Senior year, I was in an off-campus house, living with my friends: I had love, albeit platonic, in abundance.

But post-college, thrust into the real world, where every holiday’s a business initiative, I soon noticed that the goal of every holiday (in addition to crass commercialism) seemed to be making the single people of the world feel defective. If you are among the most resilient of single spirits, who survive the pressure to have a date for New Year’s Eve; before you’ve even managed to regroup, BAM! You’ve got V.D. (That is, Valentine’s Day.)

The reality is that February 14 is just another day. Don’t spend it slouched solitary and sullen over a lager at the local pub, putting the “ale” back in Valentine. You’re dateless, but consider your options:

Being single doesn’t mean you’re alone. You have people in your life who care about you. Nurture your relationships; celebrate love in its other forms: call your relatives, make a date with an old friend. Appreciate your support structure in acknowledgment that without it, you would be truly alone.

Fight the power. This holiday has, for too long, infected us with the rhetoric that independence is evil. Fight for your right to be single and snarky by declaring war on negativity and joining a co-ed coalition of the likeminded for pizzas and beer. Frozen yogurt optional. (But recommended.)

Cater to solitude. At work we try to do a good job, and cater to the whims of our bosses amidst a cacophony of demanding voices. Isolate your focus to the voice that really matters and cater to your own needs this V-Day. Take a special class at the gym and listen to your own heartbeat. Immerse yourself in the sanctity of a candlelit bath. And of course, uncork some red wine and let those antioxidants flow.

Make a stand for justice. In recent years, Eve Ensler, writer of The Vagina Monologues, has reclaimed V-Day, dedicating it toward stopping violence against women and girls. Rent the famed “Monologues” DVD or stage your own impromptu reading with a few friends. Instead of dining out in an expensive restaurant, at evening’s end, write a check to a charity for the amount you would have spent at dinner.

Ask yourself out. Jonesin’ for sushi and no one wants to go? Can’t agree with your friends on a movie? Date yourself. Order some maki, steamed dumplings and edamame. Pop in a DVD from your Netflix queue—comedy, tearjerker, action…doesn’t matter: you’re making your own action. And there’s no confusion about who pays the bill.

We’re all different, of course. You can invent your own redemptive rituals by thinking more globally about the themes of the day—love, heart, dedication, life, vitality, commitment, companionship, passion. You’ll see that, no matter what you do, Valentine’s Day is all about doing what’s best for your heart.

Comments

[chutzpah]

This was a great post Esther!I look forward to your return from the West Coast so we can bond again. Don't forget that chocolate tastes sweeter when you buy it for yourself at 50% off (although thereally good chocolate never goes on sale). I will be dancing with my first crush, Tom Jones, tomorrow nite... diet vanilla cherry coke anyone?

[Jobber]

Very good post. Of course, the west coast is better than the east coast. One should move there if there is no compelling reason not to imo. I vacation there myself, altho I prefer the Northwest, Seattle, Vancouver, that sort of thing. They have the whole west coast hey dude thing like CA, but w/ less crowds and CA pose.

[Cathryn]

Well, glad to see you haven't left we Easterners (I'm from Central Pennsylvania, the only place where EVERY cheese steak is expected to be a Philly Cheese Steak. As it should be.)

My V-Day is probably going to be spent at home writing an essay on our 26th President, Mr. Theodore Roosevelt, for my Advance Placement United States History Class. Not exactly the way I'd hoped to celebrate my "holiday".

[mcaryeh]

Sing it, sister! Great essay, Esther...

[Jobber]

Hey check out Pearl she has an OK blog but a bit of a right wing wacker. But I think you and Chutpadik might find a lot there to love. Thank G-d for Esther's Blog, the only sane Jewish female blogger I have met so far, w/ the exception of Crusin Moms.

http://wwwpearliesofwisdom.blogspot.com/