MY URBAN KVETCH

"But Can They Sing?"

Spoilers!!! If you can call them that.

Just caught an episode of "But Can They Sing?" the VH1 show wherein "celebrities" of various stripes try to win a singing contest. Bai Ling writhing to "Like a Virgin"? Awful. At the gym, I listened to three seconds of Kim Alexis singing "The Way You Love Me," and my ears started to bleed on the elliptical.

So...can they sing? I'll spoil it for you right now. No, they can't. And they shouldn't. Some of them shouldn't even be acting. But I digress. I'm waiting for VH1's new Celebreality show: "But Do They Have Any Talent At All?" That's a show worth watching. And voting in.

Madge, Britney and Great Works of Literature

Oh boy. And the hits just keep on coming.

The blonde-ish celebrity Kabbalists are at it again. Madonna spent her summer falling off horses, denouncing the material world including the evils of television and candy, and not going to Demi and Ashton's wedding. (Don't worry, the formerly Material Girl sent bracelets made of actual jewels, not of red string.)

And Britney, having studied at the feet of Madonna, signed on for Kabbaliciousness and tried to emulate her idol by birthing a Sean Preston with first husband Kevin "Borderline" Federline, but failed to invite me to the bris. (Did you miss any of this? Check the Madonnanthology for your snarky recaps...)

But now Brit's feeling the sting of being cut off from her mentress post-partum, and she's decided to continue her never-ending quest to become Madonna by following her into the world of celebrity authors. Because that's what the world needs now: Books By Britney.

The sexy popstar - who became a follower of the mystical Jewish faith after being introduced to it by Madonna - is set to follow in her idols footsteps after reportedly being approached by representatives of the church [i love the way they call it a church-edk] to pen a story inspired by the religion's teachings. Madonna has already written five children's books, including 'The English Roses' and 'Yakov and the Seven Thieves', inspired by her Kabbalah beliefs and Britney is said to be 'swell' on the idea.

This in a week that has seen the arrest of a major leader of the celebrity Kabbalah movement in Tel Aviv "on suspicion of promising to cure a woman's cancer in return for more than £30,000," and with Sharon Osbourne noting that Madonna is one of her nightmare dinner guests, and that she would "like to punch her."

Ouch. Someone needs some nice, calming tea. Perhaps made with Kabbalah water. Quickly, before the apocalypse comes.

[Reposted, in part, from Jewlicious]

"Sex"ing the City

This is one of those NY-centered promotions that will draw ridicule from everyone outside of NYC, and nonchalant, reluctant but inevitable participation from people actually in New York...

The Sex and the City Complete Collector's Edition comes out tomorrow, and with it, Gothamist reports, promotions involving the humiliation of wearing pink to get free stuff, including brownies and cosmopolitans. The DVDs have a price tag of $299, so perhaps free stuff like Tasti-D-Lite will loosen people's purse strings...

And Gothamist's price tip on purchasing the series: Amazon's your best bet for the purchase, with a fairly severely reduced price of $194.97. (Can't wait for Hanukkah? You know where my wish list is. And did I mention that the Buffy Collector's Set is also available? Just in case anyone's interested.)

Inside the Singles Sukkah

I'm a little behind on posting my clips, but as for most things this month, I'm blaming a month's worth of holidays.

Inside the Singles Sukkah (excerpt)
The NY Jewish Week, October 28, 2005)

Sandwiched between the Yom Kippur break-fasts and the Jewish geography competition known as Simchat Torah is Sukkot. During this festival, Jewish singles hope to harvest a bumper crop of social opportunities, by attending events that do double duty, masquerading as holiday celebrations, but functioning as a “meet” market.

Here’s an inside look at one such event—a reconstruction of the dialogue and environment of what it’s like to be there, searching for one singular single.

Woman No. 1: Sorry I’m late. It was because of Ramadan.

Woman No. 2: Doesn’t matter. I just realized I’m wearing round-toed shoes. And I never pick up men when I’m wearing round-toed shoes.

Woman No. 1: We’re all wearing round-toed shoes, but we’re also wearing heels. That’s bad: Jewish men are afraid of heels. [Looks around the room.] Why are we so short anyway?

Woman No. 3: As a people? Maybe it’s an evolutionary mutation, so that during periods of anti-Semitism we were able to pass, unnoticed, beneath non-Jewish radar. Like someone would say “Hey, was that a Jew?” and someone would respond “What? I didn’t see anything.”

And to answer your question, yes, all of these conversations really happened. That's right, these events are THAT much fun.

Anyway, enjoy!

Girls' Night On Returns

For one night only, the performers sang their songs and performed spoken word pieces at Makor. It was like “American Idol” and a poetry slam all rolled into one, except the performers were women, many of them religious, whose belief bars them from performing in front of mixed audiences.

A few weeks (or is it months?) ago, I wrote a piece in the Jewish Week about Girls' Night On, a women's-only open-mike performance night. Tomorrow night, the event sequels at Makor--announcement below for those who are interested. And if you meet event organizer Leslie Ginsparg, tell her Esther Kustanowitz sent you...

Women's Open Mike at Makor, Nov. 1st (This Tuesday):

You read about us in the Jewish Week and in the Blueprint, now come be a part of...Girls' Night On!
Tuesday, November 1st, 8 PM.

An open mike night for women, by women.
Act, sing, dance, play, read, joke, filibuster or come watch.
Each performer gets 8 minutes of stage time.
Makor
35 West 67th Street
Admission: $10
For more info:  email [email protected]
Sorry guys, this event is only open to those with two X chromosomes.

Finding Your Power Source

I was instant messaging with a friend recently and all of a sudden, her responses stopped. "Did I lose you?" I queried the void. "No, I just need to find my power source," she eventually replied.

And it occurred to me that the same conversation could have been very well spiritual in context. Judaism hasn't lost me. And I'm not sure it could (although in some ways it would be a hell of a lot easier if it did). But most days, even (or especially) after a month of staccato holidays, it feels like my power source is dwindling; like my battery is fading and my connection erratic.

And I'm not alone. Despite the increase in Jewish blogging and engaging their minds in Jewish thought, people all over the blogosphere (and certainly beyond the small population of people who blog) are feeling disconnected.

Halloween, Again?

Geez, is it Halloween already? It must be, because there's mucho candy for sale at Duane Reade, and I saw a lady on my block with a halo and a devil tail, with pants with one leg white and one red: I imagine that's "Devil or Angel, I Can't Make Up My Mind." Plus, have seen Superman, once holding his mommy's hand and another time wearing an argyle sweater and a sport jacket. Sort of like "Professor Superman."

I don't like Halloween. Not just because endless candy means the potential for endless weight gain. (Ooh, tootsie rolls, yum.) And not just because it seems to be an annual excuse for good girls to go slutty with costume choices. The whole thing just creeps me out. Sure, little kids dressed up is fun, and I love Stephen King as much as, and probably more than, the average yeshiva girl. But part of the fear is that I didn't grow up with it, and just can't get used to bloodied "accident victims" wandering into Tasti-D-Lite as if nothing's wrong. And there's just no excuse for all those horrible movies on cable that are scary because they're so godforsaken awful. (Satan's School for Girls (Shannen Doherty and Julie Benz) or Embrace of the Vampire (Alyssa Milano) anyone?)

Anyway, here's the article you've probably read already since it's from several years ago. But every year, it rises from the dead to walk the earth once more in search of an audience to read it. So here you go...

Purim vs. Halloween: An Ideological Face-Off

Deep Thought: Technology

My appliances are all smarter than I am. At 2am, they all changed their clocks (TV, cable, VCR and computer) to 1am for Daylight Savings Time. No wonder people believe that a Matrix-style/Terminator-style machine takeover is possible. Well, except for if they put my alarm clock in charge. Because not only would it never even go off, but no one would get anything done. Trust me.

Picture Yourself a Defense Lawyer

I've never subscribed to the intrinsic evilness of lawyers. Thanks to television, I know they can be skinny and quirky (Ally McBeal), sexy and serious (the practice), or older and quirky (Boston Legal). I know that they are the "Order" part of Law & Order. But some of my best friends are lawyers. So I dismiss the generalizations and think of it as just a profession.

So if you can, picture yourself a lawyer. Perhaps an idealist-type of lawyer, who believes in innocent until proven guilty, and burden of proof, and all those great American ideals. Perhaps you're the kind of lawyer who would join a public defender's office and fight for the rights of the accused, never asking their clients' guilt or innocence, just mounting the best defense they can. You get the usual dregs of society--petty theft, assault, B&E--and you know you're part of a system, doing your part to ensure fair trials and the greater good.

And then, one day, your old college buddy calls you. He's in serious trouble with the law. Serious trouble. And he wants you to represent him. So you do. Because you're both from Lambda Kappa Omega or whatever. So you agree.

Oh yeah, and you're in Iraq, and there's no due process, and your buddy/defense client is Saddam Hussein. Hopefully, you've put your affairs in order, because likelihood is that someday during the trial, ten masked gunmen are going to burst into your office, kidnap you and then leave your murdered body outside a neighborhood mosque for the authorities to discover.

It's possible, given the rumored friendship between these two men, that this lawyer actually was full-on, Wolfram and Hart evil. But in any case, this news definitely decides it. At the top of the list of jobs I don't want (right in front of "David Spade's Assistant" and "actuary") goes "Saddam Hussein's Defense Lawyer."

And I hope that doesn't disappoint any of you.

Celebrity Red Rover

Hi there, folks and welcome back to celebrity Red Rover, where celebrities battle for possession each other in the names of their made-up religions.

Today's object of collective affection: David and Victoria Beckham.

This pair of petulant, perky, pretty Britties were purported to have become the spiritual property of one Madonnesther Louise Veronica Ciccone, since both Posh and Becks were sporting red string bracelets and tats that included verses from the Song of Songs and various texts and symbols relating to Kabbalah. It was also reported by a few media outlets that soccer star David Beckham is part-Jewish. But rumors of the couple's embrace of Kabbalah as a religion turned out to be greatly exaggerated when they admitted that their adherence was strictly of a trendy nature.

But recent reports have tagged the high-profile duo for Scientology, crediting Cruise with the capture. Now Posh and Katie are attending fashion shows while the enthralled Holmes shares her Scientology library with the former Spice Girl.

Why leave the madness of Madonna behind for the toothiness of TomKat? Perhaps it was her condemnation of television, widely reported last week, but certainly no news to those with knowledge of Madge's 1999 interview on Larry King. Or her condemnation of the entire Western world. At this point, it's hard even for industry insiders to know for sure...

Favorite new TomKat related blog: I'm Tom Cruise and I'm in LOVE!!!

Favorite new celebrity madness blogs: Just Bring the Drama and Conversations About Famous People