Random Thoughts on the Comedy Central Roast of Pam Anderson

"The woman has screwed more musicians than Napster..."--Jimmy Kimmel on Pamela Anderson Lee (at least, he wishes he were on Pamela Anderson Lee...)

I think the best reason to roast Pamela Anderson Lee is that there'll finally be enough for everyone who wants breast meat.

But seriously, folks. I feel I must admit that I truly loved Pam's late-night detective show, V.I.P. But mostly because PAL didn't try to use the sitcom/detective drama to stretch beyond her abilities...she let the other non-blonde actors do the acting and plot exposition, and stuck to her strengths: push-up bras, hair teased to within an inch of its life, and walking in absurdly high heels. Don't get me wrong. I admire most in others the things I cannot do.

The collection of seemingly random people at this event has me a little freaked out. Bea Arthur honoring Pam for her literary achievements by reading aloud from Pam's newly authored novel. Nick DiPaolo and Greg Giraldo, two comics who I can never tell apart...And Courtney Love (in an apparent effort to actually contract lung cancer at the roast itself, smoking the whole time) who is now, suddenly, like a decade after her husband's death, Courtney Love-Cobain?

Tommy Lee gives a performance in which he sounds more like Matchbox 20 than like Motley Crue, which has me wondering what he's been learning in school. True, some of these people are Friar's Club steadies: Jeffrey Ross, Jimmy Kimmel, and Sarah Silverman, who continues to amaze me by the contrast between how sweet and innocent she looks, and how raunchy and vile her comedy is. (That's raunchy and vile in a way that I secretly appreciate; I haven't seen "The Aristocrats," but I understand she does a hell of a job with the joke...)

I wouldn't mind being known as the most beautiful woman in the world. But an aversion to cosmetic surgery and a general unwillingness to make my name and professional life by my breasts means that's never gonna happen.

I will never be invited to these Friar's Club Roasts. I will never be invited to be a roaster, or a roastee. I will never be invited to tell my version of "The Aristocrats." As Rizzo might've said, I'm "too pure to be pink." I will never be Jimmy Kimmel's girlfriend, nor will anyone ever refer to me as "The Queen of Mean" (as they do to roasting comic Lisa Lampanelli). I do have one or two friends who claim that if I only gave it a shot, I could "work as blue" as Sarah Silverman, but I've got the V-Chip of yeshiva education in my head, and I just can't circumvent it. The Friar's Club is a raunch beyond my reach, and that's just fine.

Comments

[annabel lee]

Esther, Pam Anderson Lee is many things -- gravity-defying possibly chief among them. But she is emphatically not the most beautiful woman in the world.

You, m'dear, are beautiful. And funny, and witty. And if ever I were roasted -- which I hope I'm not, because I'm not terribly thick-skinned and though I can laugh at myself, I don't need a whole roomful of people laughing at me -- I'd want you (Yeshiva-girl V-chip and all) to headline the event.

[Josia]

Stop kvetching - you've got the life Esther!!

[T.A.B.]

Esther, I hold the copyright on self-pessimism. Everytime you speak down on yourself, you owe me a quarter.

Seriously, the roast sounded funny. Sorry I missed it.

[Esther]

Annabel Lee and J, thanks for your votes of confidence in me and my life.

TAB, this was so NOT self-pessimism. It was self-acceptance: I will never be in a Baywatch movie, and that's OK. Believe me, it's OK. Just to be safe, expect a check for $.50, to cover this infraction as well as my next offense.

And if you missed the roast, I wouldn't worry. It was already repeated last night, and I expect it will be repeated several times this week, so you could catch it if it were of vital national importance.

[grandmuffti]

Why don't you post a video of you doing your version of the Artistocrats? Muffti, for one, would love to hear it. Comedy central or not.

[Lyss]

I also liked VIP. And I like PAL. I think she's refreshingly honest, for a celeb anyway. I watched the roast, well, most of it. Courtney Love was alternately funny and scary. Sarah Silverman...well...I'd never want to be her boyfriend. Or his balls. I liked her bit about Pam's work with animals, like the one-eyed trouser snake.

[Madonna]

Esther, comparing yourself to Pamela Silicone Lee isn't a fair comparison. It's very unfair to yourself. I mean, why would you want to lower yourself to her level? She isn't that attractive (too plastic), she isn't intelligent, she isn't funny, and she isn't talented.

I mean, you look far better than her, you're funny, you're obviously bright. The only reason you're not in the position she's in is you didn't have your face butchered, you didn't have airbags stuffed into your breasts, and you didn't you-know-what your way to the top.

I don't know why the media hypes up Pamela Anderson as someone to be like. Truthfully, she's the opposite of what anyone should be like. That, and an example of how worthless celebrity has become in this country...

[Reb Shpilkes]

I'm a Jewish guy ergo I like big breasts.
Pam Anderson has big breasts ergo I like her.
Do you have big breasts?
If you do, I like you, too.

[judi]

Someone took time out of their day to roast Pamela Anderson? That, in itself, sounds like a (lukewarm) punchline. And they invited Courtney Love? Hello, self-parody!

Okay, Esther, time to get real. Here's the challenge: come up with a "Jewish" version of the Aristocrats. I'm already on it. Remember, there's more than one way to shecht a cat.

[Some Loser]

Esther you look fine honey and you dont need any comesmetic surgery in my opinion. As a matter of fact save for the fact I'm not Jewish I'd go skinny dipping with you any time!

[Reb Shpilkes]

Anyone know what's happening below the crop in the above photo around the breastal area?