MY URBAN KVETCH

A Fish Out of Water: Evolution's Solution to the Singles Crisis?

If you're single, and you've ever been interested in someone whose lifestyle is very different from your own--which in the Jewish world usually means religiously--you've likely heard the phrase, "A bird may love a fish, but where will they build a house?" Or maybe you're a fan of classic Broadway and know that "fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly." Well, what if those assumptions were not true?

Now , according to the Daily Mail, nature weighs in on "religious" difference affecting living arrangements, with the mangrove killfish. This violently named fish spends several months of every year out of the water and living inside trees.

Hidden away inside rotten branches and trunks, the remarkable creatures temporarily alter their biological makeup so they can breathe air. Biologists studying the killifish say they astonished it can cope for so long out of its natural habitat.

These changes are only temporary, altering to permit the fish to live in the tree for a while; at some point, the fish reverses its composition and returns to the water. This fish is more adaptable than most single people.

Forget the creepiness of a fish that can haul itself onto dry land and find shelter in a tree; this was an exciting discovery. If fish can live in trees, then maybe there can be compromise when it comes to religious differences? To carry through the metaphor, will there be a point at which "a fish" and "a bird" could conceivably build "a house" together?

Not so fast...

Apparently, the killfish was previously best known for one other bizarre quirk: they are the only known vertebrate (animal with a backbone) to reproduce without the need for a mate.

Killifish can develop both female and male sexual organs, and fertilise their eggs while they are still in the body, laying tiny embryos into the water.

This is nature's irony: that the most adaptable of species are too independent to require companionship. Is such a species to be pitied, or is there a lesson to be learned?

[crossposted to JDatersAnonymous]

 

Stingrays Become Proactive

I think this may be my first "Science" story...

Apparently encouraged by the "success" of "Operation Crocodile Hunter," a stingray has jumped into a boat and stung an 81-year-old man in his heart, taking "Campaign Geriatric Freedom" out of the water, CNN reports. The man's two grandchildren, who were with him in the boat, were unharmed.

"It's just a real freak thing," Lt. Mike Sullivan told Reuters, saying the incident occurred on Florida's Intracoastal Waterway, where stingrays are rarely seen leaping in the air.

Just when I thought CNN was losing its touch at being the number one source of irrational fears in my life, with its Disastertron news crawl, endless footage of planes flying into buildings and reports of every possible rumination of testing for nuclear devices. Well, I doubt you no more. Proactive jumping stingrays? Congrats, CNN. Stephen King and Peter Benchley salute you.

MIT Hopes For Future Invention of Flux Capacitor

For those of you who haven't heard, M.I.T. held a Time Travel Convention this weekend. That's right, a Time Travel Convention.

The FAQ page on the website includes such topics as "Isn't Time Travel Impossible?" and "I'm From the Future, and I'd Like to Attend." They also tell you how you, the reader, can help to make sure that people in the future know about the Convention, even though it's already happened:

We need volunteers to publish the details of the convention in enduring forms, so that the time travelers of future millennia will be aware of the convention. This convention can never be forgotten! We need publicity in MAJOR outlets, not just Internet news. Think New York Times, Washington Post, books, that sort of thing. If you have any strings, please pull them. Write the details down on a piece of acid-free paper, and slip them into obscure books in academic libraries! Carve them into a clay tablet! If you write for a newspaper, insert a few details about the convention! Tell your friends, so that word of the convention will be preserved in our oral history! A note: Time travel is a hard problem, and it may not be invented until long after MIT has faded into oblivion. Thus, we ask that you include the latitude/longitude information when you publicize the convention.

So, M.I.IT. and the internet will not survive into the future. But latitude and longitude (and public library microfiche) is forever.

Last night on SNL, my neighbor Tina Fey said (and I'm paraphrasing because I couldn't remember it exactly) that unfortunately, no one from the future attended because they already knew that the party sucked. Heh.

The donation button on their website was to raise funds for snacks. That's lame...snacks need to be part of the promotion for any event, and that's not likely to change in the future. Even Eric Cartman knew enough to promise "punch and pie."

Why aren't they calling it the "first annual" Time Travel Convention? Because, as they point out on their website, all you need is one. "Time travelers from all eras could meet at a specific place at a specific time, and they could make as many repeat visits as they wanted." Of course they could. And I hope they do. We all have questions (some of which I've posed in a similar post at Jewlicious) about what life will be like in the future.

A glimpse into the future would provide valuable information about things of global consequence: will we ever find Osama bin Laden and eliminate the al-Qaeda threat? Will there be peace in the Middle East? Will I stay single for the rest of my life? Will I finish my book proposals and become a best-selling author, or will my glamour be discovered and exploited by the television, film and fashion industries? Or will I work at Walmart and live in this studio forever? (See? Issues of global import.)

(Want more on the conference? Here's the NY Times article on the subject...)

Second Plague Revisited: Exploding Toads

OK, so the second plague was technically "frogs," and these are "toads." Still, I stand by my headline.

Out of the murky depths of the pool, the toad emerges, breathlessly lurching onto dry land. After several minutes of desperate twitching, the creature swells and explodes, and the entrails slide out. Still, the animal lives for several more minutes in agony, before finally giving up the greenish-hued ghost.

And by the way, yuck.

Real scientific theories as to what might be causing the toads to explode, according to MSNBC:

1. Hungry crows are pecking out their livers.
2. Horses have infected the toads with a virus.
3. The toads are committing suicide to save others from overpopulation.

If anyone hears about plagues involving the rivers turning to blood or people coming down with boils, please give this firstborn child a call.

Octopus Babies

Remember Aurora, the enamored octopus?

Her babies are a-hatching. See here for an update from the Alaska Sea Life Institute. Thanks to Googler Amy Haddow, who left a comment and notified me of the births...

Mazal tov to the proud Mama.

SUCKS TO BE JEW: CIRCUMCISION ABSTRACT

Since everyone’s been captivated by the Tale of the Mohel and the Herpes (a messed-up fairy tale title if e’er there was one), when I found this medical abstract about oral suction used as a medical technique in ritual circumcision, I thought I’d post it here for your edification.

The abstract, which lists among its contributors YU’s Moshe Tendler and Hadassah Hospital’s Dan Engelhard, is courtesy of House of Hock:

For the abstract-reading-impaired-or-averse, here’s the bottom line (emphasis is mine):

Indeed, after our first cases, the Chief Rabbinate of Israel pronounced in 2002 the legitimacy of using instrumental suction in cases in which there is a risk of contagious disease. We support ritual circumcision but without oral metzitzah, which might endanger the newborns and is not part of the religious procedure.

Unafraid of a little education? Check out these additional background paragraphs. (You can absolutely read the whole thing, complete with footnotes and sources, if you want, but I'm warning you: there are photographs.)

According to Biblical law, a male infant should be circumcised at the age of 8 days as a sign of the eternal covenant between God and the Jewish people (Genesis 17:10–14; Leviticus 12:3). According to classical rabbinical interpretation, performance of this religious ritual offers medical advantages, a view upheld by many modern medical authorities, as noted earlier. The Babylonian Talmud (Sabbath 133b), the main rabbinical literature completed in the fifth century of the common era, states that for the sake of the infant, the mohel is obliged to perform the metzitzah" so as not to bring on risk." The nature of the risk was not specified. It specifically states that "this procedure is performed for the sake of the infant's safety and if a mohel does not perform the suction [of the wound], this is deemed dangerous and he is to be dismissed." To prevent medical complications, the Talmud permits only an experienced and responsible mohel to perform the ritual circumcision. The Talmud (Tossefta Shabbath 15:8) was aware of potential medical problems that could arise from ritual circumcision and in fact provided the first description of hemophilia in the history of medicine, manifested as a familial bleeding disorder that required circumcision to be postponed.

In the 19th century, Ignaz Philipp Semmelweis (1818–1865) established the principles of hygiene and disease transmission, after neonatal tuberculosis was documented after circumcision by an infected mohel. Since then, most rabbinical authorities modified their approach in response to these findings. Because the Talmudic injunction to perform metzitzah did not explicitly stipulate oral suction, >160 years ago, Rabbi Moses Schreiber (Pressburg, 1762–1839), a leading rabbinical authority, ruled that metzitzah could be conducted by instrumental suction, a ruling quickly adopted by most rabbinical authorities.

Consequently, the great majority of ritual circumcisions are performed today with a sterile device and not by oral suction by the mohel. However, some orthodox rabbis have felt threatened by criticism of the old religious customs and strongly resist any change in the traditional custom of oral metzitzah. The cultural process of replacing ancient customs by modern wound care has to be encouraged by a heightened awareness of this potentially life-threatening medical complication.

On the basis of our observations, the medicolegal impact of neonatal infection by the mohel has to be redefined. Our findings provide evidence that ritual Jewish circumcision with oral metzitzah may cause oral–genital transmission of HSV infection, resulting in clinical disease including involvement of the skin, mucous membranes, and HSV encephalitis. Furthermore, oral suction may not only endanger the child but also may expose the mohel to human immunodeficiency virus or hepatitis B from infected infants. The same consideration that led the Talmudic sages once to establish the custom of the metzitzah for the sake of the infant could now be applied to persuade the mohel to use instrumental suction.

Indeed, after our first cases, the Chief Rabbinate of Israel pronounced in 2002 the legitimacy of using instrumental suction in cases in which there is a risk of contagious disease. We support ritual circumcision but without oral metzitzah, which might endanger the newborns and is not part of the religious procedure.

I'd Like a Bris-Kit on Wry...

I don't even know where to start with this story from the Daily News:

City health officials are investigating whether a baby boy died after contracting herpes from the rabbi who circumcised him, the Daily News has learned. The probe was launched after city officials realized that three infants in the city who tested positive for herpes last year all were circumcised by Rabbi Yitzchok Fischer. The Rockland County-based Fischer is a prominent mohel - someone who performs religious circumcisions.

I appreciate the Daily News' attempt at defining mohel. But I kind of feel like if you don't know what a mohel is, maybe you're not really a New Yorker. Or maybe you never saw an episode of Seinfeld.

Under Jewish law, a mohel is supposed to draw blood from the circumcision wound to remove impurities. While many mohels do it by hand, Fischer uses a practice little known outside ultra-Orthodox communities called metzizah bi peh, in which the mohel uses his mouth.

FWIW, I have never heard of this practice, but I know precious little about the mechanics of circumcisions. And I like to keep it that way. (Need-to-know basis: And I don't need to know.)

Hebrew lesson
The word metzitzah means "sucking." Not as in "this Dawson's Creek storyline is really sucking," as in "I gave the baby a motzetz (pacifier) so that when I'm not nursing he can still have the comfort of metzitzah." Bi peh, or more correctly (I think) ba'peh, means "by mouth" or "orally." (I'm gonna go with "ugh.")

Medical lesson
There are actually a number of herpesviruses. (Click here for a list and some pretty gross pictures that should tell you why medical school wasn't part of your professional plan.)

Herpesviruses are extremely common and around 100 have been identified in a variety of animal species. All of the herpesviruses are members of one family, the Herpesviridae, and have certain characteristics in common, such as their ability to establish latency during primary infection. This means that following initial infection the virus remains dormant, to be reactivated by certain triggers such as an individual’s immune status, stress or sunlight.

Only 8 of these viruses have been identified in humans. This list includes varicella zoster*, which causes chickenpox and shingles, and Epstein-Barr, which can often lead to infectious mononucleosis. I already knew this because when my old roommate got mono, I loved to tease her by telling her she had herpes. (It was way funny at the time. By the time I got mono four years later, the comedy had expired.)

But back to the story...my point is that we all assume that "herpes" means "genital herpes." And it may not. That's all I'm saying. The only thing funny about this story is the headline to this post. And even that, I freely admit, is more cringeworthy than funny.

As if parents of newborn Jewish boys didn't have enough to worry about...

UPDATE: A medical abstract about this custom....



*I can't swear to this, but I seem to recall a member of my parents' shul was named Varicella Zoster. It's quite a beautiful name, actually. I'll add it to my shortlist of baby names for my yet-to-be-conceived children. (Her Hebrew name will probably be "Vered" or "Varda.")

Octopus Love

Every once in a while, there’s a story that stays with us because of its resonance—a story that touches us all. Due to the presence of eight tentacles, this cannot help but become one of those stories that touches us, everywhere.

[Original text in black bold; my comments in regular italics.]

AP story, via CNN:

Octopus doesn't give up on motherhood--'She didn't want to leave them'

ANCHORAGE, Alaska (AP) -- It was a May-December romance that really had legs: Young Aurora, a female giant octopus and her aging cephalopod suitor J-1 were thrown together for a blind date seven months ago by aquarists who hoped the two would mate.

A young female, an aging cephalopod suitor...it’s like The Anna Nicole Smith Story all over again.

By all appearances, their fling was a success, and Aurora began dribbling long strings of eggs down the sides of her tank the following month.

It’s the moment that all little girls dream of…finding someone experienced to support us and father long strings of eggs that dribble down the sides of our tanks.

Though her sweetheart died of old age in September, the pitter-patter of tiny tentacles seemed close at hand.

J-1 was irreplaceable, but thousands of eggs would help. Aurora found herself wondering if she’d ever look into their beady little eyes and see remnants of their father.

But those tens of thousands of eggs remained pearly white with no signs of developing, and aquarists at the Alaska Sealife Center concluding that the eggs were likely sterile began draining Aurora's 3,600-gallon (13,630-liter) tank so she could be removed from display.

…and so she could mourn in solitude.

Then, last week, a sharp-eyed intern at the center in Seward noticed something peculiar in each of the eggs: two red dots.

So much for the eggs being kosher. (“Traditionally, eggs are examined in a glass cup to ascertain that they contain no blood.”-- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kosher#Eggs)

"I asked if that was normal," said 24-year-old Meghan Kokal. It was, for baby octopus eyes.

Which, unlike Baby Fish Mouth, are not sweeping the nation.

Under a microscope, aquarists saw developing eyes and pulsing mantles.

Pulsing mantles…mmm….who’s hungry?

A brief meeting was held. It was decided that Aurora would stay in her tank after all. "We started to fill it up again," Hocking said.

What a great job—fill the tank, empty the tank, refill the tank. Ah the memories of working with sea life…I predict a swell of applicants to marine biology programs everywhere.

AURORA’S CHOICE: A MOTHER’S DETERMINATION

To her credit, Aurora had never given up. Day in and day out for months, she sent waves of water out through her siphon to gently cleanse her eggs, and defended them against hungry sea cucumbers and starfish.

I know that’s supposed to sound threatening, but I’m giggling. Is that wrong?

Aurora probably had some moments of "quiet desperation" last Tuesday while several hundred gallons of water were drained from her tank, said aquarium curator Richard Hocking. As the water went down, one of the aquarists placed some of the eggs that had fallen from the sides of the tank on a rock shelf. Even then, Aurora persevered. "She didn't want to leave them. As the water was going down she was going down with it. She would spray a burst of water on the rocks on top of them," Kokal said.

As in human mother-child relations, this illustrates both the fierce loyalty of a mother for her children and the fine line between nurturing your progeny and drowning them.

ENCHANTMENT UNDER THE SEA DANCE—BEHIND THE ROMANCE

And now, the romantic backstory you’ve all been waiting for. How did these crazy kids meet? And how, in a vast sea of potential mates, did they manage to find each other? What can we learn from their success?

Aurora and J-1 surprised everyone on the morning of May 11 when they hit it off almost immediately after their introduction, embracing for hours in a dark corner of the tank, which is part of the center's "Denizens of the Deep" exhibit.

All that embracing…sounds like it could lead to dancing…

At 5 years of age, J-1, who up until meeting Aurora had lived a strictly bachelor life, was considered elderly for his species, the largest octopus in the world. He was already in a period of decline that occurs before an octopus dies; his skin was eroding, and his suckers were pocked with divots.

I’ll say it again…mmm, who’s hungry?

Though the two had canoodled intensely days before, J-1 began acting cranky with Aurora and he was removed from her tank.

Why are men always like that? No matter how many times they promise things will be okay, it always gets awkward…

Female Giant Pacific octopuses can choose to conceive in what is known as delayed fertilization. Apparently, J-1 had the right stuff, and the privacy was just what Aurora needed, as she began laying eggs just a few days later.

That’s it—we’re not “waiting till it’s too late to have children,” we’re “engaging in delayed fertilization.” Way to take control of the situation, Aurora—you go, girl!

Aurora, believed to be 3 or 4, was about the size of a grapefruit when she was found in 2002 living inside an old tire in front of the SeaLife Center. J-1 died on Sept. 8. He was about the size of a quarter when found on a beach near Seldovia in 1999.

Oy, nebuch. Homeless and living inside a tire…that’s worse than living in a van, down by the river. Even from the start, J-1 had it easier…

AFTER BIRTH

In the wild, Giant Pacific octopus females stop eating when caring for eggs, weaken and die about the same time as the eggs hatch. Hocking said Aurora has lost a lot of weight and can't change colors as rapidly as when she was younger. Her skin also is stretched thinner and her suckers are less pliable.

I feel ya, sister. None of us change colors as fast as we used to. And our suckers? Let’s just say we’ve been considering implants.

"She looks like an old octopus," Hocking said.

I wish this Hocking guy would stop hocking me a chynik about how old Aurora looks. Why should she have to confirm to society’s standards of beauty and youth?

Aurora will be allowed to stay with her eggs as long as she continues to care for them. When they are close to hatching, which could be as late as spring, they will be moved to rearing tanks.

Just like what happens on an Israeli kibbutz.

Perhaps none or as many as a few thousand could survive, Hocking said.

I would bet that Hocking’s online dating profile contains thrillingly vague statements like: “I like life and all it has to offer,” “I love to laugh,” and “I’m a nice guy.” But just between us, a statistician, he ain’t.

Kokal, who is working on a degree in environmental science from Northern Arizona University, likes the idea of several thousand baby octopuses at the SeaLife Center. "That would be very nice," she said.

“That would be a very big understatement,” I said. Sure, it’s all fine and well until said octopuses take over the SeaLife Center. Has no one ever seen Peter Benchley’s The Beast???

LESSONS:

So what have we learned, children?

• Sometimes, blind dates do work out well. Especially if by “work out well” we mean the elderly male goes gently into that dark night and the younger woman pines for him and for her children until all her bodily strength is depleted.
• Men are all grabby-hands (although, in this case, so was the woman…) and don’t deal well with the consequences of their actions.
• Spray your offspring with your love, but know when you’ve sprayed enough.
• There should be room for the phrase “suckers pocked with divots” in contemporary discourse.
• Even octopuses are being judged as not pretty enough.
• One should never read stories about octopuses before dinner time.