MY URBAN KVETCH

It's July 4, and What's More American than Madonna?

Apple pie. Baseball. Michigan-born pop stars who become expatriates and dwell in London. Nothing more American than that. Or at least I think there's nothing more American than that. It's kind of hard to tell, as my Israelification continues.

But it's July 4, which still means something to me...that's why I'm bringing you this post, which might as well mark the re-emergence of the Madonnanthology category on this here blog. Except that I did it over at Beliefnet's Idol Chatter.

Check out the scene:

[INT: evening]

London, Ritchie/Ciccone Mansion, dinnertime. The family sits at the table.
RITCHIE: Rocco, tell your mum to pass the salt.
MADONNA: Lola, tell your father that we have an appointment to see Rabbi Berg today and he'd better be there.
ROCCO: I've had it with passing the salt to you two. I'm going to my wing.
LOLA: And I'll be in my wing. And PS, mom, I'm a Buddhist. So there.

END SCENE

Post continues here.

And a happy Fourth of July to all.

"Happy New Year, Mr. President..."

At the turn of the new year, Jews everywhere look into their hearts, try to better themselves, and pray for a new year full of fresh ideas and opportunities. Like to revive a seemingly abandoned blog category.

Just when we thought Madonna was so over Jews, Our Lady of Reinvention has set her lot with the Jewish people once more: spending Rosh Hashanah in Israel, and meeting with the Israeli President.

According to the AP:

The pop star was seen entering Shimon Peres' home in Jerusalem with husband Guy Ritchie after the end of the Jewish New Year at sunset Saturday. The Nobel Peace laureate gave Madonna a copy of the Old Testament that she had requested, Israeli TV reported.

No word as to whether her Madgliness serenaded Peres a la Monroe/Kennedy with a "Hag Sameah, Mr. President," but after her immersion in the Old Testament, I'm sure that we can look forward to singles like "Like a Nazirite" and "Holiday (Why Are There So Many?)."

Long live the Madonnanthology.

Madgedoption!

After weeks of visiting African orphanages and media teases of "she's adopted! oh no, she hasn't, false alarm...", a high court in Malawi filed some papers that indicate that Madonna and husband Guy Ritchie can take custody of a one-year-old boy named David. The boy is not an orphan, though. David's father was widowed when David's mother died in childbirth a year ago. Madge and Guy have apparently promised to bring David home for a visit every once in a while, so his father gets to see him.

But this seems a little odd to me. Why not adopt a child who's truly an orphan? Or send a million dollars to help the entire village of impoverished people instead of rescuing one boy from destitution and raising him in a castle in England? How do you take a boy from his father and say, "yes, you're still poor--you stay here, and we'll take your son to a life in the lap of luxury, ok? He'll do fine. You just do whatever it is you do here, and every once in a while. we'll let you guys visit each other." I just don't get it.

But it's Madge. Who am I to question Her ways?

Best Gossipy Interview I've Ever Read

"She stamped her foot in a sexy pastiche of exasperation."

If you love sentences like this, you'll love this interview with Madonna's old "Next Best Thing" co-star Rupert Everett. Among other things, he reveals that he actually met Madge years ago, during the Sean Penn years, and had been dying to work with her--that's the only reason he did "NBT," actually. But beyond wanting to work with her, he also wanted to kill her because he thought Madge might be Satan. This revelation occurred after hearing Madonna's "Justify My Love" at a bar he was working at.

The song ended and the DJ chimed in with some very disturbing news. ‘If you play that last track backwards, apparently there is a message to Satan,’ he said. ‘Just listen to this.’ A weird noise groaned over the radio as the track babbled backwards and then a deep voice said: ‘I. Love. You. Satan.’

My blood went cold. This was it. Madonna was Satan. I had been sent to kill her. It all made sense. My fascination with her . . . my Catholic background back in England . . . I could hear the abbey bells at Ampleforth, my old school, ringing in my head. The feeling subsided but I was quite shocked by my reaction. I only had to be two or three degrees more bitter and neurotic about my life, and there could have been an explosion.

He also provides luscious description of the Material Girl's physical transformation. (And if any of you ever write like this about my physical transformation, I will hunt you down.)

The original Material Girl, with her puppy fat and boot-boy legs squeezed into a tutu, was a vague whispering wind around this new alabaster goddess with her swimmer’s shoulders and tiny waist. Everything about her had changed, and what hadn’t had been carefully wrapped in psychological Clingfilm and locked inside an interior fridge.

Seriously, the dude can dish, and the dude can write. One of the best "I was there" type stories I've ever read. Check it out.

"Nobody Expects the Russian Inquisition!"

Those of us who thought Madonna wasn't offending enough people with her name changes, red strings, cross-dangling, and promises of magical kabbalah fluid can now rest easy with Today's News in Madonna...as Moscow has declared a holy Inquisition against her.

Orthodox and patriotic forces are meeting at Pushkin Square in downtown Moscow in a demonstration against Madonna’s forthcoming Moscow show. Some 100 people holding banners and orthodox flags with large crucifixes placed in the center are participating in the meeting, Interfax reports.

“We declare a new Holy Inquisition that will fight against the sacrilege of crosses, icons, Russian Orthodox symbols, including during Madonna’s show. The singer is an advocate of Kabbalah,” chairman of the Union of Orthodox flag-bearers Leonid Simonovich-Nikshich said at the meeting.

Unclear from the quote whether they object to her sacrilegious use of religious iconography or to her advocacy of Kabbalah..

If you're Jewish (or a Monty Python or Mel Brooks fan), the word inquisition (as in Spanish) evokes historical memories of persecution, forced conversions, torture, expulsions and death. (And not a single puppy.)  One might wonder...how is this inquisition different from all other inquisitions? Luckily, the Russian news sources are helpful in clearing that up.

The main goal of the inquisition will be “to fight against slander, rather than to kill people,” he said.

Oh, so they're the "good kind of Inquisition." Phew. When Madonna takes your name, a girl's gotta be careful about inquisitions declared against her.

Madge's New Bond(age) Ambition

Rumor has it that Madonna's in talks with Lindsay Lohan's and Jessica Simpson's people about the possibility of creating a bondage-driven stage show for the MTV Video Music Awards that will in some ways act as a sequel to her famous Britney/Xtina kiss.

The logistics are tricky, though--with Lohan embracing Kabbalah and with her history of snubbing Simpson, it's going to take either a master diplomat or a lot of money. And I'm sure each of the youngsters are concerned that what happened with the kiss--everyone forgets Christina was even there and focuses on the kiss between Madge and Britney--will happen again, and no one wants to be the forgotten one in this trio. And with both of them vying for the same role in the Dallas movie, it could be all-out war.

Why bondage? Why even ask? This is Madonna we're talking about. And besides, who wouldn't like to beat Lohan and Simpson a little?

Will it really happen? Who knows, but we must consider the source: the story was posted by someone named Heather Honeypot.

For Madge, It's Britney Out; Lindsay In

Wanna sing a duet with Madonna and latch yourself onto her stellar film career so you can benefit from her tutelage? A red string's your ticket...

We all know that for a while, Britney was Madonna's Mini-Me; for those of us in the know, that VMA kiss (you know the one I mean) was kind of like Madonna kissing herself through a time machine (without the early career proclamations of virginity). She started toting the Kabbalah poolside, and sporting the always fashionable red string as accessory.

But the problem with pop star proteges is that they often slump into a cycle of bad tabloid attention--instead of wondering who those celebrities are hooking up with or whether they're too thin (both "good" kinds of "bad publicity"), the tabs begin to speculate that they're bad mothers who drop their babies or let them drive when they're under a year old. But adding insult to injury is Brit's recent abandonment of Kabbalah, and purported return to her Baptist roots (among claims that her baby is her religion now). And that's when it's time to unhitch your Mini-Me and send her back to the trailer park so she can enroll in a sex ed course, so that every time with her husband doesn't have to result in conception of a K-Fedlet.

But now the once-and-always Material Girl is moving on from Ms. OopsIDidItAgainY'all to la Lohan. Lindsay's apparently signed on for the full Madonna treatment: career advice pertaining to the music industry and film, and a potential duet with the Divine Miss Madge. (And by duet, we likely mean another VMA kiss.) And once Madonna's current tour is over, Lohan and Ciccone are talking about going on a spiritual journey, and we all know what that means...alert the Israel Ministry of Tourism: the pop stars are coming, the pop stars are coming!

Britneywood is burning. Long live Lindsayland.

[For more Britney and Madge coverage, see the Madonnanthology; for crazy celebrity stories, see the Hall of Celebrity Weirdness.]

Madonna Hasn't Abandoned the Cross

Did you ever worry that Madonna was becoming too enmeshed with Kabbalah, and was becoming too identified with a resurgence of interest in Jewish culture? Well, worry no more. If the scene setups for her new world tour are any indication, Madge still very much identifies with Catholic imagery and themes, from crosses and crowns of thorns, to human suffering:

[...Madonna] donned a crown of thorns and suspended herself from a giant mirrored cross to deliver the ballad "Live to Tell." Video screens showed images of third-world poverty and reeled off grim statistics.

So much for escapism...still, I understand her choice artistically. Not nearly as effective to be suspended from a Star of David.

During one of her half-dozen costume changes, another video montage juxtaposed images of Bush, members of his administration and British Prime Minister Tony Blair with footage of Adolf Hitler, Osama bin Laden, and Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe.

What is her point, I wonder...if only she weren't so oblique...come on, Madge! Say what you mean! How's America supposed to uncover the meaning in such abstract images?

Midway through the new song "I Love New York," she deviated from the script and made a crude reference to Bush and oral sex.

Which means she's mixing up her presidents again. But after all, that is the song with the lyric that rhymes "I love New York" with "feel like a dork."

UPDATE: For photo of Madge on the cross, go to Chez Other Madge.

Madonna, Messiah; Messiah, Madonna

Residents of Rosh Pina, beware...Madonna's lookin' to buy in your backyard. Why Rosh Pina? Because that's where the Messiah's due to show up, according to Kabbalah:

Kabbalists believe that the Messiah will appear at Safed and walk to Tiberias on the shores of the Sea of Galilee, travelling along the ravine that cuts through Rosh Pina. 

So basically, she's looking to purchase a place on the parade route. But she doesn't need a real estate agent; Madge is having her people do some cold calling...including a woman named Mrs. Havkin:

Some days later when a television company asked if she could confirm a rumour about Madonna’s interest, Mrs Havkin questioned her neighbours. She found that they, too, had been approached. The house is worth a little more than $500,000 (£294,000), but I would sell it to Madonna for a million dollars and buy another property for me and my family in the area,” she said.

Only a million? A bargain price for a front-row seat for greeting the Messiah. Me, I could have charged top dollar for my studio if proximity to Riverside Park had been Madge's Material concern...

Personally, I like to imagine Madonna actually buying this house, and the Messiah marching down the wadi on his way from Safed to Jerusalem...and finding Madonna sitting there on her front porch in a yoga pose, somehow simultaneously managing to chow on a freshly microwaved bag of popcorn.

Madge: Hey Messiah...

Messiah: Madonna.

Madge: Yo, Chosen One, why you gotta be like that? It's me, Esther.

Messiah: I came here to redeem the Jews. But you're Roman Catholic.

Madge: Well, I guess you don't get the internet in heaven, then, because I've been a Kabbalist for the last few years. Look...[points to wrist] I have my membership bracelet and everything.

Messiah: [rolls eyes up to heaven] God, you weren't kidding. These celebrities are whack jobs.

House Haunted? Who You Gonna Call?

Gwyneth Paltrow's house is haunted. That's right. Unfortunately, Gwynnie's been having some difficulties with her second pregnancy. (My Urban Kvetch wishes her a refuah shlemah and a b'sha'ah tovah.) But she and her husband Chris Martin of Coldplay have decided to do the logical thing: blame it on "unwelcome spirits" and have the place exorcised.

There have been no reports that Apple's head has been spinning around as she curses her parents in different languages which she has never learned. (Although with a name like Apple, the cursing her parents in some language is undoubtedly coming.)

So when celebrities need a spectral eviction, and there's something strange, in their neighborhood, who they gonna call?

According to The Sun, the couple have sought the help of the London Kabbalah Centre on advice from Madonna, a devotee of the Kabbalah faith. The strange ceremony involves ten male followers expected to read a series of psalms and blow a ram's horn as part of the exorcism.

That's right, MADONNA. And that "strange ceremony" with ten men, psalms-a-plenty, and a shofar? Sounds like Rosh Hashanah to me.

Sigh. And just when Gwynnie was rediscovering her Jewish roots. (Again.)