MY URBAN KVETCH

Michelle Citrin at Birthright Mega-Event (short clips)

My friend Michelle Citrin performed at Birthright Israel's Mega-Event on Hof Tzuk in Tel Aviv last week, and I was honored to be there. Since I don't have a video camera, here are some 30-second clips that give you a taste of the excitement. First two clips are of Michelle's original song, "Someday" (off her upcoming album, stay tuned), and the third - after the jump - is of Michelle singing "Lu Yehi/Let It Be" with Israeli pop star and Mega-Event host Michael Harpaz.

No April Fool's Post, But Double the Traffic on April 1

Today is April 1, which means you're probably expecting riotous spoofery and parodization. But Purim was last month, and my article was cut, so I'm still wounded (and might post it here later today). And I've been busy with ROI applications promotions (as my Tweeps know). But despite my lack of postage here yesterday and today, my traffic has more than doubled for both of those days.

People always ask, "how do you do it, Esther?" How is it that you can predict both social and internet trends with the (even more imminent) accuracy of Nostradamus, and translate said trends into pageviews?" Well, now I'm sharing my secret with you: I'm a frickin' oracle. Of sorts. With manifestation of predictions, sometimes misdirected from the original position of focus.

Last year, I changed my Facebook status from "single" to "engaged." That's it. And this happened. A brief recap:

Facebook Fools' Day Experiment: Change "Relationship Status" from "Single" to "Engaged"

Duration: 18 hours: 12:30am-6:30pm April 1

Findings: 35 respondents=15 email messages, 20 wall posts in a 18-hour period. About 70% of responses understood that the status change was a joke. About 25% of responses wished me mazal tov and wanted to know who the lucky guy was or why they were first hearing about this now. And 5% were threatened marriage proposals. From guys who are already in relationships. (Just to give you an idea of what's out there.) Most of my regular posse of New Yorkers knew better than to even respond. Or maybe they're too busy.

So that explains the upward blip in traffic. As for the social trend I was unknowingly predicting? Through my Facebook Fool's prank, I predicted April Fool's engagement that was then manifested in the relationships of others: by the time I woke up in Los Angeles, three friends of mine got engaged to their long-time significant others (all of them had to begin their emails with "this is NOT an April Fool's joke!"). So, who's up for passing that karma on?

And by the way, mazal tovs to Jacob and Nicole, Alon and Rachel, and Becca and Adam (endearingly hamming it up in the photo above). Celebrating with you from afar and, with one of you, from not-so-afar. :) And a happy April Fool's Day to you all.

25 Things: The Facebook Meme Goes Blog

Oy. Another meme. This one found me on Facebook, and could have emerged as just another annoying game of internet "tag" among friends who would rather post a moment of introspection and navel-gazing than ask their friends real questions, face-to-face or at least person-to-person. If I hadn't found everyone else's responses to this one so interesting, I wouldn't have even considered it. Back in 2005, I rejected the invitation to do a "100 things about me" post on my blog (read all the "whys" here). But 25 is doable. I'll reveal what I want, and know it's not the totality of me, but things that I find relevant (or utterly irrelevant!) to the person I've become. It might even serve as an outline for that book I keep threatening to finish. Here are the official directions...

Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you. [Or because I thought you'd enjoy this piece...but if I didn't tag you, feel free to do it anyway.]

1. I had (and ok, maybe still have) a possibly unhealthy relationship with John Hughes movies.
2. Our high school had a secret, underground, yeshiva prom.
3. I fell for a boy in sixth grade and liked him through high school - during that time, he talked to me a total of three times, but I was still convinced he'd ask me to our secret, underground, yeshiva prom. (For which I blame #1. And, a little bit, #2)
4. Watching "the Breakfast Club" in high school, I was convinced that the characters were getting high off of regular nicotine cigarettes.
5. I never wanted to live outside of New Jersey. New York? That was dangerous!
6. My first NY apartment was on the corner of 84th and Amsterdam. I only lived there until 1998, but my name is still on the buzzer (or was at the end of September 2008).
7. I know lyrics to the never-produced Christmas version of the "ToysRUs kid" song because I sang them on a demo, and also sang on the demo that sold the song and made the composer a lot of money. I made $18.
8. In an echo of #1, I think "When Harry Met Sally" was responsible for at least six years of warped relationship expectations.
9. I've been to Israel 14 times and haven't paid for a single trip.
10. I've pretty much never been anywhere else with the only exceptions being one trip to Club Med (Turks), another to San Juan, Puerto Rico and a family trip to Mexico when I was in fifth grade. I also "came out of Egypt" in time for Passover during the semester I spent in Israel, which thrilled my parents.
11. We have a family newsletter. Some of you may be familiar with it. And the rest of you will not be surprised by this. I fully expect my nephews and niece will assume editorial positions before they realize that not all families do this.
12. At current count, I have 3285 unread Gmail messages. Good thing I get unlimited space in my inbox, if not unlimited time in my life.
13. This blog, my first blog, http://myurbankvetch.com celebrates its 5th anniversary on Monday, February 2. JDatersAnonymous turns 5 on April 28. Blogging has transformed my life, enabling me to visit other cities in the US, meet great people, and set the stage for my recent relocation.
14. I have worked at two Jewish organizations that were severely affected by the Madoff situation. No, I am not the link.
15. I once worked at Yeshiva University and MTV in the same week.
16. I really do love working with the ROI Community, because I meet amazing people from many countries, and get a real introduction to Jewish innovation worldwide. For more, see http://roi120.com or come to my Jewish innovation session at LimmudLA (register: http://LimmudLA.org)
17. The ocean sometimes makes me cry.
18. In another life, I was definitely a comedy writer. And perhaps, also, in this one. And Entertainment Weekly missed the boat on me in terms of my devotion to pop culture (their loss: Beliefnet's Idol Chatter's gain). EW editors looking to make amends/reach out should skip directly to #25.
19. My great-great-grandfather, Yehoshua Stampfer was a founder of the Israeli city Petach Tikva.
20. I put a lot of my life online, but nowhere near all of it. That should give you an idea what goes on in my brain every day. It's like the audio equivalent of those "Magic Eye" pictures: you know there's an image in there, but you just have to filter out the other colors competing for your attention.
21. In the 1975 film, the part of drunk, pot-smoking night aide Turkle was played by Scatman Crothers. In [year deleted], the role was played by never-been-drunk, thinking-cigarettes-and-marijuana-are-the-same-thing Esther Kustanowitz (swilling flat cream soda out of a whiskey flask).
22. I have never tried cocaine or Ecstasy. Coffee? That's another story.
23. I moved to Los Angeles in October with two suitcases of my stuff. The rest is either at my parents' house in NJ (sorry about that, guys), or has been donated back to the universe.
24. I go through moments of extreme faith and conviction that there's a larger purpose, and others believing that life is random, fleeting, and only about personal meaning.
25. I am available for writing, editing, blogging about bizarre celebrity behavior, obsessing over popular culture, creative and elementary technology consulting, speaking engagements, blog and social media tutoring, hosting karaoke events, leading improv clinics, joining writing groups, and of course, weddings and bar mitzvahs.

As usual, 25 things seems like too short a list, and I've spent way more time on this than I should have today. If you want more, there's lots online every day at various websites. So check them out, people. Those blogs aren't going to read themselves. Thanks for your support.
Http://myurbankvetch.com
http://jdatersanonymous.com
http://estherk.com
http://blog.beliefnet.com
http://roi120.com
http://jewlicious.com

Yelpin' at the French Bakery Down the Block

As you may recall, I recently declared myself a Yelper. It taps into my propensity toward kvetching as well as my desire to explore and comment on the places in my newly chosen neighborhood.

I've reviewed a few places now (also Toppings and Sushiko), the most recent of which is Delice Bakery on Pico, a French bakery with what are apparently great pastries which I didn't try because I'm trying to be good. So here's what happened...

I've never been to France. So I don't know that the pervasive and I'm sure demeaning stereotype of rudeness is accurate. But Delice definitely makes me think that this is another stereotype that has a kernel of truth to it.

I recently met a friend there for breakfast and realized that the eggs were mostly in the shape of pre-made sandwiches on baguettes, and everything was a bit more expensive than I had seen in the online menu (a pet peeve of mine - how hard is it to upload a new PDF, when you've already printed the new menu?).

Read more here.

And So It Begins: Resistance to SuperJews is Both Futile and Unmenschy

The microactivism has begun.

The members of each SuperJews team will get an alert on each day of Chanukah with a mission for that day.

Missions will be online acts of good for the Jewish world; none will take more than a few minutes to complete, and sponsoring organization United Jewish Communities hopes that we'll find them interesting and fun.

The more people on your team who complete each day’s mission, the higher your team’s score will be.

Scores will be updated daily, and at the end of the eight-day Color War, Gold, Silver or Bronze medals will be awarded to all participants for their Facebook profiles.

If you're reading this, in a way, you're already a SuperJew. Only SuperJews (or SuperJewWannabes or FriendsofSuperJews) read my kvetching and kvelling about entertainment, pop culture, Jewish innovation, creativity and the like. So why not make it official, by banding together with other Jews in the SuperJews Social Hall of Justice?

It's fun to see who joins what team, too: for instance, RED boasts such luminaries as JOI's Paul Golin, Mrs. Ryestar, the former Matzah and Marinara, the "cartoony-woony" Chari Pere, a Jewish Robot, and some dumb oleh with a new Hanukkah video. GREEN features Jewish stars like Martin Kaminer (of Bikkurim and myriad other initiatives), the tech-savvy and happily affianced susqhb, and Bangitout's Isaac Galena. BLUE's no slouch either, with Andrea the Gastronaut, SavvyAuntie, JFL Media's Amir Cohen, and Canfei Nesharim's Evonne Marzouk. 

To learn more, visit SuperJews.org. Or become a fan of the SuperJews Color War on Facebook. You may want to join my team (Red, led by Queen Kabbalah and Mega Mensch, who you know have to read this blog), or join Green or Blue to compete against me...

So just do it. Join us. You know you want to.

[cross-posted to Jewlicious.com]

A Letter to Obama About the Paul Broun Hitler Comment

Dear Barack Obama,

I understand from my main news source, "The Daily Show," that Republican Congressman Paul Broun recently said that you might be Hitler. I know this may sound disturbing, but don't worry about it. First of all, it's not like this is the first time you've been called Hitler.

And besides, you're in good company. I got called Hitler last year, and I've managed to bounce back just fine. The move to the west coast was totally my own idea, I swear.

Shabbat shalom and Barack on (I'm sure you never get that, LOL!!!!!!).

TTYL, POTUS-2B!!

Esther

P.S.: Good luck with that whole President thing, and thanks for not naming me to your cabinet. Frankly, I get enough criticism from Idol Chatter readers, apparently.

P.P.S.: If you'd like to check out a piece of you-as-potential-Hitler comedy (and who wouldn't?) check out the Daily Show's website for the clip featuring Jon Stewart and John Oliver discussing the similiarities between you and the deceased despot. Just caught it on the West Coast feed, so I'm sure it will be up starting tomorrow. Among the gems? "Who would be the opposite of Hitler?" "Bizarro Hitler, a man with no army who spent all day hugging Jews."

L.A. Yelp: Toppings Frozen Yogurt (Pico-Robertson/Beverly Hills)

I figured since my eyes are seeing L.A. fresh, it was time to start documenting my experiences here in more places than just on the blog. So I've started Yelping.

For the newcomers, Yelp is a way for everyday users/consumers to recommend (or doom) the businesses that they adore (or hate). Take for instance this new frozen yogurt place that opened in my general neighborhood, where the policy is "Grab a Cup; Fill It Up; Weigh & Pay." I reviewed it there, but reprint here (with pictures) for your (lazy) reading pleasure:

 The best frozen yogurt I ever had was in college--not because it was the best flavor or consistency, but because I could serve myself and add cereal as a topping if I wanted. Go to regular froyo shops and they decide how much you get, of both yogurt and toppings. Want five chocolate chips and a handful of sprinkles/jimmies? That's a charge for each topping.

And with Pinkberry, Red Mango, and all the others showcasing the tart versions of yogurt, you and your friends had to make a choice: were you going for healthy-tasting tart or decadent dessert-style sweet froyo? But Toppings is Yogurt 2.0. -- democratic yogurt for Generation Facebook, returning the power to customize your yogurt desktop in whatever way you deem most excellent, and uniting all those who quest for frozen refreshment, whether tart or sweet.

Enter Toppings and find a bank of frozen yogurt machines, two flavors each.  One of the owners (an adorable and sweet married couple) distributes copious tasting cups, and you can taste to your heart's content. Some of the machines hold tart flavors, others sweet ones. And it's all self-serve. Decide on your flavor (or flavor combo), serve it yourself into a cup, and approach the toppings bar. Use as little or as much of a topping as you want, then get the concoction weighed: 39 cents an ounce. And you're done. Enjoy!

Rumors of My Retirement Are Greatly Exaggerated: East Coast Events in December

I know. It's nearly been a week since my last post. Have done so much -- finding an apartment, trolling for furniture on Craigslist and in thrift stores, trying to find an allen wrench so I can assemble my bed, going to the LimmudLA Healing Havdalah, checking out Jewish authors at the Celebration of Jewish Books, and of course, writing lots for Idol Chatter -- that it's been near-impossible to get it all down. But posts are coming...

In the interim, allow me to announce that I'm planning an East Coast trip for December -- mostly so I can experience the cold, dank winter-ridden East Coast and then return to generous sunshine with a mild chill in the air (better take a sweater if you go out). But here's the real reason for my return:

"Sex and Relationships in the 21st Century with Zeek Magazine"
Thu, Dec 11, 2008, 7:00pm
Location: 92YTribeca, 200 Hudson Street
Venue: 92YTribeca Lecture Hall
Code: T-MM5LC07-01
Price: $12.00

Joshua Henkin (author of New York Times Notable Book of 2007, Matrimony), Dan Friedman (Associate Editor of Zeek and Arts and Culture editor at the Forward), and Esther D. Kustanowitz (blogger, My Urban Kvetch and JDaters Anonymous) offer a literary take on the themes of love, romance, and sexuality. Find out what writers have to say about the role of marriage in modern families and societies, and the ways that relationships have changed in recent history.

Both Josh and Dan are very smart and entertaining individuals. And they're both married (not to each other). So I have a sense I'll be the Lorax for single people again. It would be great to see my NY posse in attendance at this hip venue, and if enough of y'all want to, I could probably be convinced to go for drinks or sushi downtown somewhere. So tell your friends, and I hope to see you there!

And yes, I am available for other NY gigs, and will be traveling to the DC area as well as Miami on this journey, so book now...myurbankvetch@gmail.com.

Urban Kvetch Time Machine: Sukkot 2005

In 2005, I went to an Upper West Side singles event that took place in a sukkah. And this article, which previously ran in the Jewish Week, is the result. Since I've been so busy with the packing that blogging has become impossible, I thought I'd revisit this event in honor of Sukkot, which starts Monday night. Have a festive holiday, and enjoy this trip inside the temporary walls of the singles sukkah...- EDK

Sandwiched between the Yom Kippur break-fasts and the Jewish geography competition known as Simchat Torah is Sukkot. During this festival, Jewish singles hope to harvest a bumper crop of social opportunities, by attending events that do double duty, masquerading as holiday celebrations, but functioning as a “meet” market. Here’s an inside look at one such event—a reconstruction of the dialogue and environment of what it’s like to be there, searching for one singular single.

[INTERIOR: A SUKKAH, BEAUTIFULLY DECORATED, UPPER WEST SIDE]

The lighting is slightly dimmed. Heineken, red and white wine, and soda are being served. At buffet tables, the food is completely obscured from view by the swarm of surrounding singles. The band, a group of clean-cut, non-rock star type men, cover every song genre the 20s-40s might expect to hear. People sway, hum and unobtrusively bop along, but whether by religious edict or lack of rhythm, there is no dancing.

The women cluster; the men weave through the crowd, searching for interesting conversations in attractive packages. The occasional approach or interaction aside, it’s mostly window shopping. Conversations, slightly disembodied, emerge from the cacophony, becoming clear and audible—if a little random in content--as the chatter fades to murmur.

Woman #1: Sorry I’m late. It was because of Ramadan.
Woman #2: Doesn’t matter. I just realized I’m wearing round-toed shoes. And I never pick up men when I’m wearing round-toed shoes.
Woman #1: We’re all wearing round-toed shoes, but we’re also wearing heels. That’s bad: Jewish men are afraid of heels. [looks around the room] Why are we so short anyway?
Woman #3: As a people? Maybe it’s an evolutionary mutation, so that during periods of anti-Semitism we were able to pass, unnoticed, beneath non-Jewish radar. Like someone would say “Hey, was that a Jew?” and someone would respond “What? I didn’t see anything.”

Israeli Guy #1: Hi, I’m Dani.
Israeli Guy #2: And I am also Dani.
Woman #3: You’re both named Dani? Did you come here together?
Israeli Guy #2: No, we just tonight met, so now we are the two Danis!
Woman #3: So, are you in real estate, or do you work for a moving company?
Dani #1: How did you know?
Woman #3: A lot of Israelis work to find people homes or help people move into them. I think it’s because Jews have so much experience wandering, that we’re really good at moving. [Silence. Everyone stares at each other blankly. More silence.] OK, I should go.

Woman #1: See that guy over there? I see him everywhere. Jdate, singles events, synagogue—everywhere.
Woman #2: I think he’s saying the same thing to his friend about you.
Woman #3: Maybe you can be ubiquitous significant others who don’t ever speak or interact.
Woman #2: He’s your ubiquitous guy, you’re his ubiquitous gal. It’s bashert.

Woman #3: Did you really just ask that woman if she’s shomer negiah?
Man: Sure. Isn’t it important to know?
Woman #3: I guess, but I didn’t know that was a question one could ask within the first five minutes of meeting someone.

Man: Did you notice JDate’s site redesign? All of the women’s profiles defaulted to “does not want children.”
Woman #3: You’re the third guy to mention that tonight. As if Jewish continuity didn’t have enough problems—now everyone thinks that Jewish women don’t want to procreate. In JDate’s last redesign, they reset all the profiles, so if you said you spoke Hebrew, it now said you spoke Vietnamese. Or Tagalog. What is Tagalog, anyway?
Man: [fiddles with BlackBerry] “Tagalog is one of the major languages of the Philippines.”
Woman #2: Huh. At least we learned something.
Woman #3: Yes, that JDate is still JDate.

Woman #3 leaves alone, arriving at her doorstep as another date concludes: the girl steps up toward the door, the guy stays on street level. “I didn’t clean my apartment,” she says. “That’s okay, I have to get up early,” he says. As she turns the key in the lock, Woman #3 feels like she has all the answers. She knows what the simultaneous excuses and clear body language mean: sometimes the chemistry’s just wrong. In the morning, all three of them will dive back into the dating pool, waiting for the next holiday or weekday or payday. Which is fine, because singles will always find another excuse to mingle.

Who Has Invested in You?

At last Monday's JESNA/Lippman-Kanfer/UJC consultation on Jewish social entrepreneurship, I attended a session on Jewish leadership moderated by Or Mars, Director, Graduate Fellowship Program at the Wexner Foundation--Or asked us all to introduce ourselves by answering a very interesting question that became an interesting exercise for me personally: who, he asked, has invested in you?

I was 3/4 of the way around the circle from where the answers began, so I had plenty of time to think about it. What I came up with was an Oscar-speech-type-litany of people who've helped me become "who I am today," (whatever that is...) which included my parents, of course. who gave me both Camp Ramah and my day school education; organizations that are making a difference and allowing me the opportunity to both play a part and expand my network and knowledge in the process, like my friends/colleagues at the Charles and Lynn Schusterman Family Foundation, Center for Leadership Initiatives/ROI Summit, and Taglit-Birthright Israel, the JBlogosphere, which has effectively altered the course of my writing career by providing increased audience, visibility and opportunity; and everyone who used me when I first became a freelancer, taking a chance on me because they knew me as a friend, alumnus, community member, or employee of another organization.

And there's also Blogmama, without whom, I might not have begun blogging. It boggles the mind (bloggles?) to think about where I'd be without my blogs, which led to all the opportunities and organizations I've mentioned, and to the people there, friends and colleagues both, who have and continue to impact my life and work every day.

Another friend of mine, who founded a website/company/community that's doing great thanks to her effort and the power of social media, once reminded me that it's important to acknowledge the debt you owe to the support of other people and enumerate the things for which you are grateful. Grantees of organizations often have as part of the contractual arrangement for receiving the funds a stipulation that their materials mention the funding's source. But even when it's not contractually obligated, I think that acknowledging the investment of others--whether it's financial, emotional or a result of mentorship--is an important part of becoming who you are.

Who has invested in you? And have you expressed how grateful you are?