MY URBAN KVETCH

An Open Letter to West Coast Famous Jews

[cross posted from the Israelity Tour blog]

Dear West Coast Famous Jews,

This means you, Seth Rogen, Judd Apatow, Jason Segel and all the rest of those guys --you gave a shoutout to "Munich" in "Knocked Up," and now it's time to take your Jewish pride to the next level. Natalie Portman, you sabra you, can translate the lyrics for Zach Braff. Mia Kirshner, your new "L-Word" is "L'hitraot," so we'll see you at the show. Lisa Edelstein, it's time to leave the House and get out for an evening. Ditto to you, Paul Adelstein--leave Private Practice and bring your wife Paris Geller with you. Speaking of Gellers, Schwimmer, get your Friends together and come to Avalon. (Seriously--you already went to that Heeb party in New York last year.) Greg Grunberg, be a hero and join us, and bring J.J. with you if he's done destroying New York.

And as for you, Mark Zuckerberg, we at the Israelity Tour blog want to thank you for creating our events notification system, or as you call it, Facebook.

You work hard to entertain us and give us the tools we need to stay in touch with our culture and our lives. So come to the Israelity Tour. Seriously...it's hip-hop, funk and acoustic-style music plus Israel. In SF on February 10, in LA on the 16th and ending the tour in Vegas on the 17th. Plus, lots of other concerts and events between Seattle and Vegas starting this Wednesday. All courtesy of Birthright Israel.

Join us! Non-celebrities, click here. Celebs and/or publicists, RSVP here.

Dating and the Single Jewish Celebrity--Or, How People Decided I'm a Racist

Last year, I was in my "Letters to Celebrities" phase--when I saw a celebrity doing something odd or noteworthy or puzzling or interesting, I'd pen a letter to them. I never sent these letters--they were for writing exercise and for entertainment only. I sometimes explored an issue for myself or because someone else had asked me to, but for the most part, it was just for entertainment's sake.

But then there's this post, this letter to Zach Braff, that just won't die. People keep writing in, calling me "stupid," "racist," "tribal," and -- in my personal favorite -- a "fucking lunatic," all because I expressed a wish to see him with a nice Jewish girl.

I wasn't saying that you should cut little Chavaleh off from the family just because she ran away with Fyedka the Russian. (Hey, wasn't that the plot of the sixth season of Sex and the Shtetl?) Nor was it a statement calling for the alienation and ostracization of intermarried couples or interfaith relationships--I don't think anyone wins that way. All I was saying was that it would be nice to see a Jewish celebrity who married for both love and faith, and would serve as a symbol to those who are single and seeking.

Baby's Got an Emmy Now

As you may already know, Jeremy Piven just won an Emmy for Entourage. And took his mom to the awards ceremony. Again. Which leads me to repeat my previous offer:

Dear J-dawg,

Mazal tov on your Emmy for your work on Entourage...you make the role of a Hollywood agent who's also a horny bastard actually believable.

By the by, if you ever want an NJG by your side as you collect future awards, feel free to give this Hebrew homegirl a shout. After all, a recent article in Atlanta Jewish Life quoted you as saying that you're "attracted to all things Jewish." And I think any of my regular readers would agree that I, indeed, am "all things Jewish." Well, not all things. I haven't had a circumcision. But other than that, I'm probably as close as you're gonna get.

So next you're in NYC, or next I'm in LA, have our people talk to each other. I'll even meet you in the Second City, and we'll go to dinner with Vaughniston, if they're still together.

In any case, would you mind sending me back that DVD copy of PCU that you promised you'd sign for me eight years ago? Much obliged.

Hearty yasher koach to ya.

Love,
Esther

An Open Letter to Jeremy Piven

Dear Jeremy,

Hi! It's been ages since we talked. How are you? How's the run of Fat Pig treatin' ya? You're getting great reviews, so congrats! By the way, I'm totally on board with your plan to dare your costar Keri Russell a box of Krispy Kremes. You just say the word and I'll pick them up and bring them to the theater. (I bet you Andrew McCarthy busts a gut over force-feeding Felicity, LOL!) I've been meaning to get tickets, but need to find someone to accompany me (unless you're willing to comp me and hang out after and I know how busy you are...)

Hey, I just saw on ET that you're taking your mother to the Golden Globes this weekend. That's great--I'm sure she's really excited. While this is an impressive display of admiration for your mother (I hope she is well, by the way--send her my best!), aren't you concerned that "mom-as-your-date" in Hollywood may translate for the tabloids as coming-out announcement? (Not that there's anything wrong with that--you totally know I'd support you if you were gay, but come on: we both know you're just picky.)

I'm not saying that you shouldn't go with Mom. I'm sure she's a great date (just like she was at your prom--OH, SNAP!! I'm kidding, Jer!) but I can't help but think that this might be a wonderful opportunity for you to find a nice Jewish girl who would also support you at this event. You know, someone who knows her way around a room of celebrities, and who is witty enough to create repartee with members of the glitterati as well as with their publicists. Maybe a New York writer, who can fully appreciate your sense of humor. A Jewish woman of substance and natural energy, to turn Hollywood on its ear. Perhaps a woman with six bridesmaid dresses in her studio apartment.

If the two of you were really ambitious, you could co-write a Jewish-based sitcom that portrayed Jews as positive forces of a committed lifestyle instead of as whiny stereotypes. You and she could be comedy revolutionaries...just an idea.

Anyway, gotta run. Need an idea for my singles column this week. What do you think of the topic, "A Celebrity and a Civilian May Love Each Other, But Where Will They Build Their Home?" Or maybe "Jewish, Single and Celebrity-Obsessed"? Your input always welcome, dear.

If you win a Golden Globe, totally call me from the podium, K?

Love,
Esther