Today is Oscars Day in Hollywood. For the 2nd straight year, no one has invited me to the red carpet or to the awards. This is obviously a huge oversight. In protest, I've not seen any of the nominated films, except "A Serious Man," which was required of all Jews.
However, I was recently invited to the Movieguide Awards (OK, so I invited myself, but are we really going to quibble about semantics?) I created one video post for Beliefnet's Idol Chatter (the official reason I was there), and just uploaded the "scenes that didn't quite make it" (see link at left or embed below) - and yes, the Melora Hardin interview appears in both because I love Jan Levinson.
But I thought that beyond the Movieguide Awards, I might take a few moments to make some Oscar predictions. These premonitions, these insights into the inner workings of Hollywood have been gleaned through careful analysis of contemporary trends, delving into celebrity psyches, and general observations of the non-blue human species. And might make an excellent drinking game. (Drink responsibly, kids.)
Esther's 2010 Oscars Predictions/Drinking Game
1. Mo'nique will a) thank God/Jesus, b) cry, c) hyperventilate. (This is not a multiple choice quiz - she may do all of these.)
2. Quentin Tarantino - through a manic, energy-infused frenzy of disbelief - will a) dedicate his award to justice or the triumph of good over evil, b) possibly mention Jews, and c) (although this is an outside possibility) mention Hitler.
3. Some otherwise attractive actress will wear something awful to the red carpet. Another actress - potentially one who doesn't fit the typical Hollywood size - will be lauded for her fashion bravery or maligned for trying to wear something nice in her size. And young actresses (under 20) will be dressed up to look like they're 30.
4. The Coens will sport some strange facial hair.
5. Jeff Bridges will invoke the memory of his late father and perhaps mention Beau/the Fabulous Baker Boys. Also, keep your ears ready for the name "T-Bone."
6. Jokes will center on the following themes: blue skin, James Cameron making a lot of money, Quentin Tarantino, revenge on Hitler, the fact that there are 10 Best Picture nominees, the awkward "battle of the exes" (James Cameron v. Catherine Bigelow), with perhaps a riff on the Yiddish opening segment of "A Serious Man."
7. Colin Firth will be overlooked tonight. But he'll win someday.
8. There will be moments of imposed sadness, as nominees mention Haiti and other disasters around the world. Then they will all donate their gift bags and the proceeds of their next films to disaster relief. (Just kidding about that second part. Although I'd be delighted if they proved me wrong.)
9. Peter Jackson will go home without an Oscar. But he already has enough of the Precious, right?
10. George Clooney will look awesome, and flash that smile at anyone who talks to him. That smile, by the way, is like that magic light in "Men in Black," except instead of making people forget they've seen aliens, it makes people forget Clooney's "Facts of Life" mullet.
11. Helen Mirren will look awesome and someone will make a GILF joke. Meryl Streep may make a strange fashion choice, but is so awesome that no one will care.
12. Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin will engage in witty banter and show us why Oscars-hosting is tough, even for pros. Although I also think they might totally rock. Potentially, jokes about: Alec in Beetlejuice, Steve's arrow-through-the-head beginnings, the scene in "It's Complicated" where Steve catches a view of Alec's business, some reference to Meryl Streep, 30 Rock and Saturday Night Live.
13. Israel vs. Germany in the Best Foreign Film category. If I took my Delorean back to 1945, no one would believe it. And if Germany wins, Quentin might use his "Basterds" Oscar to bash Germany over the head.
14. Big tears and applause during this year's Death Montage. I mean, "In Memoriam" segment.
15. Someone will make a joke about Facebook or Twitter.
16. You will not win your Oscars pool.
17. You will find the musical numbers pointless.
18. You will eat too much (and possibly drink too much, even without this drinking game) at your Oscars party.
19. Someone will get "played off" way before they've thanked everyone because they spent the first minute at the podium "OhMyGod'ing." I'm looking at you, Mo'nique and Sandra Bullock.
20. No one will ask George Clooney, "Hey, where's @EstherK?
And now, that footage I promised, featuring Melora Hardin, some kid from Wizards of Waverly Place (What's that? Exactly...), and Heroes.