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I'm pleased to announce a new feature here, which is clearly inspired by Mensan Apprentice candidate Tarek, and which Ms. Summers inadvertently named when she did her Apprentice Blogging tonight. In this feature, titled "Guess Who's Not in Mensa," you submit your selections to recognize achievement in the field of stupidity.
Nominees can include typographical or grammatical errors, unfiltered speech, tactlessness, traffic violations and even self-nomination for incidents such as "Tripping Over Sidewalk Flaw That Isn't There" or "Changing Lightbulb While Barefoot, Then Dropping Said Lightbulb, Which Smashes to Smithereens, and Oh Yeah , You're Barefoot." (That last one was the one that kept me out of Mensa.) And of course, celebrities are fair game.
Now go...I'll start you off with our first two nominees.
The first nominee is Mensa...for creating a profile of their ideal member that rivals JDate as a soporific.
Random comments about the first episode of this new season of the Apprentice:
Tarek's in Mensa... Sean's accent may just win the competition... Synergy is a great name... Uh-oh, both Jews are on the Gold Rush team... Did you know Tarek (Lou Diamond Phillips meets Orlando Bloom) is in Mensa? You didn't? Well, he is... Carolyn is looking better and better with every season... Bryce is so NOT going to be the Apprentice... Classic moment: Synergy team leader Allie says Bryce is "full of it," and then self-corrects to explain that she means "energy"... Hey, guess what? Tarek's in Mensa! No, seriously! I love that Trump keeps calling Lenny "The Russian," like he's Aleksandr Petrovsky or something... Looks like the word "Mensa" is Algonquin for "You're Fired..." Summertime is over...time for a packet of Frizz-Ease...
Is it me, or are the Apprentice candidates beginning to look more and more like contestants on America's Next Top Model? (Now there's an idea: Tyra and the Donald co-hosting a show. But I digress.) I mean, look at Sean's piercing eyes and pouty lips. Actually, don't look at them too much. Save your vision for Daniel Brody, the Hebrew homeboy (below left).
Unfortunately, because he's married, I can't make him Single Semite of the Month over at Jewlicious. A shame, because he's got the look. And a look at the video interview over at the NBC Apprentice site shows you that he's much more relatable than his glamour shot (see left) might indicate. Plus, his strong connection to tradition and to family would make him a perfect catch Apprentice. Actually, I guess we'll see if it does...
Also, Brody is a YU graduate, and according to information on the internet, an Orthodox Jew (one of two on the show, actually, more on that story below...)
In the interim, cast your casting vote now: In the totally unnecessary and unlikely to be produeced "Apprentice Season (what the heck # season is this? 4?) 4 movie", Dan should be played by:
a) Kerr Smith (left), who already has experience playing a guy named Brody on Charmed and who knows how to work a suit...
b) Julian McMahon (right), who has played both a demon and a plastic surgeon, and who is therefore well suited to the domineering atmosphere of the boardroom...
Reader's choice: actor with the most votes wins.
Mazal tov, Dan, on making it this far...b'hatzlahah...
As far as religious wannabe Apprentice #2 is concerned, his name is Lee ("Jack and the") Bienstock and he's a graduate of HAFTR (pronounced like "after" and standing for the Hebrew Academy of Five Towns and Rockaway).
When my school used to play HAFTR in volleyball, we always took delight in the complexity of the HAFTR fight chant, which ran like this:
"HAFTR, HAFTR, we are HAFTR! H-A-F...T-R! HAFTR, HAFTR, we are HAFTR!"
Not that Frisch had a fight song. But if we had, it would have been better. Because I probably would have ended up writing it. And of course, today, Frisch has a totally lame website. And HAFTR's is...better. But as usual, as in every conceivable field from band to sports to the Salute to Israel Parade, those city kids at Ramaz beat us again. Was that whole thing a digression? Note to self: get more sleep.
Anyway, 1, 2, 3, let's get back to Mr. Lee. He's young--22, and I have to say that his online interview wasn't really as compelling as Dan's. But one place he beats His Jewish Hotness is in his answer to the following stumper of an interview question:
"If you could be any movie star from any era, who would you be and why?"
Lee said he'd be Robert De Niro, because he's a great actor who has has the versatility to do comedy or drama well. Dan said he'd be Batman, because then he could get his four-year-old son to eat his vegetables. While this is a most pragmatic and yet whimsical response, I'm going to have to disqualify him, because Batman is not a movie star--he's a fictional character. Am I being too harsh?
Anyway, should be interesting to see if Jewish practice comes up at all during this season...
To my public school contemporaries, the anticipation of Feb. 14 meant wondering if anyone would slip a Valentine into their lockers — even if it was from a total loser, at least it was an offering of love. But in my yeshiva high school, where Valentine’s Day wasn’t observed, there was no annual way to find out if any boys liked me. (Even though I kind of already knew the answer.) Every year since, Valentine’s Day has continued to be a marker for the rest of the world in which I live and even work, with commercials and greeting cards and red-wrapped chocolates in drugstores all communicating the unavoidable message: You should be in love.
The problem is that love has been over-romanticized. Famously, the course of love does not run smooth — have Brad and Jen taught us nothing? — nor does it always become the eternal substance of legend. Real relationships contain struggles, problems and arguments. And when a breakup occurs, whether it’s expected or an utter surprise, the end result is it’s over. Sometimes there’s pain or anger. Sometimes there are new, dysfunctional relationships with men or women who are not good for you (like Ben & Jerry or Sara Lee). Some people proclaim disinterest in ever dating again and others run right out and join JDate or Frumster. (Reactions to breakups may vary.)
Or you could just pick up the new book, “It’s Not Me, It’s You: The Ultimate Breakup Book” by Anna Jane Grossman and Flint Wainess, which celebrates successful breakups of all sorts. INMIY, as it is bound to become known, derives its strength from humor and balance: one man and one woman lay themselves and their romantic histories bare to comfort and entertain the masses. If we are all soldiers on the battlefield of love, then INMIY is the USO show we’ve all been waiting for.
After emceeing the Jewbilation concert on the Sunday night of the JTB2 conference weekend, I realized that that had been my first time at the mic in a long time...and that 90 percent of the previous times had been for karaoke. But Sunday night, I didn't sing. And my attempts at spoken word? Well, they could have used some work, I'll admit. What I needed was to get back to my karaoke roots.
Since one of my NYC karaoke buddies moved to LA, and another one of my LA pals had recently discovered a penchant for that particular mode of self-expression, we all knew what we had to do. So off to the Brass Monkey we went, where every night is karaoke night, no one but you will sing for the first hour and most of the drink names have either "monkey" or "banana" in it (People's Exhibit A).
My first song was "Hit Me With Your Best Shot." Things went well. I sat down again and someone else sang some song that had him winking at me during his performance...then after, he approached" "Damn, girl...why you have to look so good? I got a pacemaker, you know..." I chuckled good-naturedly and he kept walking.
Later saw renditions of "Sweet Child of Mine," on which I sang with Annabel Lee, and then I busted out Young MC's "Bust a Move." I figure it's always entertaining when the whitest Jewish chick around tries to bust the fastest pre-Eminem, slightly lecherous rhymes 80s pop-rap style. (Boy, I'm pretty sure my parents have NO idea what that last paragraph meant.) Anyway, on conclusion, my "pacemaker" friend approached again:
PACEMAKER: Where'd you learn to do that? I'm a black Jew and I can't do that! ESTHER: [Laughs good-naturedly] PACEMAKER: [suddenly shouting] Gimme that hair! [Grabs ESTHER's head in both his hands, and plants a big wet kiss on her right temple.]
By that point, other people were singing...but I did have time for one more: "Criminal" was good, if a little dark to end on--I just hope that with all those proclamations of bad behavior in the song, there weren't any lawyers in the audience. But it was late, and I had to drive (yes, DRIVE) home, so we called it a night. So I grabbed Pacemaker and we left.
Um, yes. Of course that last sentence was a joke...jeez.
And sorry for not listing all of AL's and Joel's songs, but my memory's shot. Now, I'm off to do--oh, crap. I don't remember.
I'm a little bit of a scifi/fantasy nerd--a condition for which I blame the original Star Wars trilogy and the opus magnus of Joss Whedon. Now said condition is worsening, thanks to Lost. But I digress.) So to protect myself, I took myself to another coast to avoid dealing with the "should I stay or should I go" of New York ComicCon.
Looking over the schedule of events, I'm actually relieved to see that most of the session titles are all Geek Greek to me...but I'm a smidge frightened of the "Jedi Academy" workshop that teaches how to use your lightsaber...um, I'm resisting like eight jokes now...