An Open Letter to Zach Braff

Dear Zach,

You know we love you over here. We love Scrubs and the manic energy you bring to the wacky, but ultimately relatable Everyperson who is JD. Garden State resonated too, with us in our hearts and with most people we know, including members of our family. We'll even go out on a limb and say we'd probably love your whole mishpocha, too. (New Jersey foreva, yo.)

And we know you've been dating Mandy Moore. And if you had to date a pop star, we understand: she's definitely the one. With her comic turn in Saved and her insistence on being different from Britney, Christina and Jessica, among others, she's a teen popstar we could relate to, and even respect a little. (We might even forgive her equating the way she misses love with the way she misses candy. Because let's face it. She's totally cute. And you guys are totally cute together.)

But watching Scrubs tonight, on the heels of the news that you may have become engaged to Ms. Moore, felt more than odd. It made us feel queasy. It's hard for people like us to plunge a dagger into the heart of a love between kindred spirits--we want to believe in love, not destroy it. But this news once verified, will plunge the Jewesses into misery and mourning. We want to believe that our Hebrew homies will date and marry closer to home, but the reality is that once they move to Hollywood, it's all over. Music swells, big-screen kiss, interfaith wedding, the end.

Not that there's anything wrong with love. And our love for our American-Jewish TV and film personalities doesn't disappear when they marry a non-relative. But our happiness for our Semitic stars is like the broken glass, the unpainted corner of our happiness for a love that's been found.

For those of us with Jewish tradition at the centers of our lives, for those who restrict our soulmate searches to the tribe, even if it takes us interminably longer, each such union reminds us of how difficult we're finding it, and of how much easier it would be if we were more open. We think about the ways in which we restrict ourselves and wonder if we're making the right choice, or if it's truly a choice at all.

We look to the Jews in Hollywood to reflect our own images--our experiences and challenges writ large, in a public prominence that our daily lives lack. And when those iterations of the larger Jewish us make choices that seem easier, that makes us question everything.

So if the rumors are true, we will celebrate that two adorable, talented people have found each other and are building a life together. I can say congratulations, and wish you well. But from a Jewish perspective, I cannot say mazal tov. And I hope you'll understand.

Comments

[annabel lee]

Wow. This is a really well-done post, even though I don't watch Scrubs so I don't know what was weird about the episode. And I hadn't heard the news that they might be engaged, so in my world, you had the scoop on that.

[Robbie]

Hey, I know how you feel... I think this everytime some cute guy (Jew or not) decides he's supposed to be with girls.

[an avid reader]

You couldn't have said it any better. I totally agree.

[Kenny]

Too much blame on externals again. nothing seems to change. when will there be a revolution??

That was great! You should be a rabbi. Simcha

[ccs178 (Chris)]

I'd give up my religion for Mandy Moore. Homina-homina! Hubba-hubba! A-woo-gah! A-woo-gah! Rwaaaarrr!

[Gooch]

As a Jewish guy married to a blond shiksa myself, it would of course be extremely hypocritically for me to criticize his dating a non-Jewish girl. However, it was very surreal to watch last night's "Scrubs", with a plotline the culminated in JD realizing the Moore character was simply too young to have any sort of serious relationship with, and realizing they are actually trying to contradict the message of last night's episode in real life.

When the unattractive, unsuccessful, nebbishy Jewish man finds love with a shiksa, are you equally disappointed or judgmental? If I may channel Charles Barkley, celebrities shouldn't be our role models, nor should we assign their life choices any more significance than anyone elses.

I suspect the Braff family will be able to say Mazal Tov and who else really matters?

[writersbloc gal]

ben stiller. zach braff. are there any jewish actresses marrying non jewish actors? or is the trend in one direction only?

[Esther Kustanowitz]

You're right (anonymous), that it doesn't matter whether or not I can say "mazal tov" with a full heart to intermarriages. And I hope that any of my intermarried readers will know that this post is not to condemn their choices. They have love and I don't, and maybe that's worth a reexamination of what is and should be held dear.

And although we shouldn't assign any greater, beyond the individual, meaning to celebrities' life choices, the fact is, we do. I'm very acutely aware of the limited degree to which I'm in the spotlight, and I am just surprised when celebrities don't seem to be.

I do appreciate that they live their lives their own way, to the beats of only their own hearts. But that's not the way I've been living my life. Whatever...you all know I didn't mean to offend anyone, right?

[Some Loser]

I understand how such marriages can be discouraging to someone like yourself Esther who is committed to see that the Jewish people and their traditions continue into the future as they have been in the past.

It's tough though. Many Jewish men it seems like many Black men when they make it big seem to crave very attractive blond women as wives.

[Coelecanth]

Nicely done post. We all face these choices when seeking a mate. In the end relationships are about compromise; I wouldn't want my partner to agree with everything I believe. It'd be pretty boring don't you think? But religion is a pretty big thing to compromise on so I can imagine how hard it is.

I think that when you make it big as a man, be it Black, Jewish or whatever, the population of available women skews towards the attractive blonde side. If the majority of prospects are AB's then you're more likely to end up with one.

[Jobber]

Esther, when you say you don't have love, is there a pattern you can point to? Do you love those who don't love you back for example? Perhaps you could become more male about, and focus more on the visceral, as opposed to the feminine side of being 'in love'.

It seems to me that you have an ongoing problem, that is not being solved.

I only offer practical solutions oriented advice for this reason.

Regarding intermarried, those who grew up in a Jewishly committed home and davka had to marry out, I do not wish them well. They are traitors to our people.

[kayla]

Well, maybe she'll convert?

I'm the product of intermarriage, was raised nominally Jewish, dated Jewish guys but married an atheist, and we're now raising our kids Jewish. OK, Reform, but still. It can work out for the tribe. And hey, maybe a little biodiversity in the gene pool might be healthy, no?

And yes, when I heard I did think to myself "Zacheleh, you too?". Never said I wasn't a hypocrite!

[Some Loser]

I'll say this too everybody.

The finer things in life (sex and drugs and Rock & Roll of course) are sure alot easier to enjoy when religion is taken out of the equation.

SL has spoken!

[chutzpah]

Let the shikas have the nebishes, just please keep them away from the C+ quality and above Jewish guys. Maybe they will convert for the nebishes and reproduce. The problem here is that Jewish women are just too damn smart and sexy for their men!

[Jobber]

"The problem here is that Jewish women are just too damn smart and sexy for their men!"

Not smart enough if they are continuing to be alone and lonely.

[Some Loser]

Chutzpah do you think Marcia Brady will convert?!

[judi]

Zach, baby, take it from someone who's been there: intermarriage ain't all it's cracked up to be.

Sure, it's fun to hang out with a member of someone else's tribe. They have neat holidays, their families have fewer and less severe neuroses. They don't eat fish from jars.

But then one day, you wake up and your pretty little blonde bubble's burst. She wants to "try out" your shul. She likes it. Next thing you know, she's taking classes. Learning Hebrew. You know it's all over when she starts baking challah. A pair at a time.

It's a slippery slope. She wants more. Reform isn't doing it for her anymore. She needs a better and longer high. She starts going to Conservative and Orthodox congregations. You find a message from a Chabad rabbi on her voicemail and when you confront her, she gets defensive. "I'm just going through an experimental phase," she whines. Right.

You come home one day and there's a bearded guy in your kitchen with a blowtorch, and he's not the cook finishing off tonight's creme brulee. You talk with her and she agrees to cut back, but the co-op she just bought "just happens" to be withing walking distance of a modern Orthodox congregation.

Watch out, Zach. It's been known to happen. Don't say I didn't warn you.

p.s.- my former goy-toy & I had our kiddushin last night. With just about all the non-Jewish guys in my congregation converted, we're currently accepting applications for a new crop.

[Andrea]

Well said.
I've always wondered what it is about Jewish celebrities marrying non-Jews. Is it because quality Jewish women in and around L.A. are hard to find? Or maybe these men are representative of Jews everywhere but because they're in the spotlight it seems like an anomaly.

Another one bites the dust. She's adorable and if they're happy together I'm happy for them.

(Even though he should be with me.)

[ninabeth]

Esther, I understand your sentiments. However, my question about Zach Braff is this: is he observant? Because as someone who's "in the business," let me tell you that 99% of the Jews I've met in Hollywood are completely secular/cultural Jews. Make that 99.9%. Maybe a few of them go to shul twice a year, but mostly religion does not play a part in their lives (except for those that are Buddhist). So if Zack Braff is like most and not religious, then why should we expect him to pick a Jewish girl? Being Jewish means no more to him (in this scenario) than being Italian means to Tony Danza. Does Tony Danza only date Italian women? I seriously doubt it.

On the other hand, Jon Favreau goes to my shul. He's there every week with his Jewish wife and kids. He married within the faith because it IS a faith to him, not just a cultural trait.

Intermarriage is not the reason so many Jews are unaffliated - it is the result of so many Jews being unaffliated.

Mandy Moore's grandfather was Jewish, so she's 1/4 Jewish. I guess Braff isn't marrying too far out of the tribe after all - he's having his cake, and eating it too.

[nathaniel merriweather]

You're a fucking lunatic. And you wonder why we stray from the tribe.

[Esther Kustanowitz]

Excuse me? This post is the one that diagnoses me with lunacy? You're not reading me enough.

[Setu]

I cannot begin to even understand the psychology behind this letter. Im stunned that people like you still exist, there is no difference between racial prejudice and your 'tribe' mentallity. This is the 21st century. Im not even going to get into this, good bye, I leave Darwin to sort out my gene pool.