Reasons to Love Battle of the Network Reality Stars

In case you didn't remember what I told you months ago, tonight was the premiere of the Battle of the Network Reality Stars...

The return of all your favorite reality stars (Four Joes: Millionaire, Schmo and two Averages; Melissa from the Real World? Heidi from the Apprentice) forced to compete in strange competitions like "the dunk tank." (The dunk tank? Which has rules? Rules? This is a sport?) Then Bob "The Bachelor" Guiney, Trishelle "I Slept With the Entire Cast of The Real World: Las Vegas" Cannatella, and Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth providing simply riveting commentary,

I tuned in because I knew that it was going to be a train wreck six ways to Sunday. One of the reasons is the collection of teammates: what I liked to call Team Boston (Susan "Survivor" Hawk and Brian "Average Joe" Worth) where it's a battle of whose accent is more New England. My favorite team? Team Coral: firstly, because I like red. Also, because of the presence of loudmouth Melissa, loudmouth Coral, loudmouth Heidi, and the well-meaning Adam Mesh (who I interviewed with his parents in 2004, for those of you who have been with me that long...), among others...

Missed the first episode? Here are my favorite moments:

• Mirna loses a shoe during the obstacle course. (No Nike left behind, Mirna...)
• Coral's bikini makes sure we all know what she's done with her Real World/Road Rules earnings...
• Comments like "Brian Worth had his heart broken on Average Joe. Let's see if he can take revenge on Coral Smith." (Huh?)
• Adam Mesh gets nowhere near dunking Ryan Starr.
• Matt Kennedy Gould ("Joe Schmo") takes off his shirt to hopefully woo some of the women in the crowd, goodnatruredly acknowledging that The Miz is all about The Muscles, but that he's going to use what he's got...
• Carson Kressley Austin Scarlett, special fashion correspondent, reflects on the Battles of the past, noting  that Farrah's "always been an inspiration," and commenting on how hot Tom Selleck and "Scott Bayou" were...
• Bradford "The Apprentice" Cohen on the "joust" (which is basically using a foam bat to knock someone off a beam into a pool of water): "I love this event. [giggle] It's violent."
• Heidi tells herself: "You're fired." And is really happy to be going home. But wait!! She's not going anywhere! She's switching teams. (Not in that way, fellers.) Now she's on the blue team.
• A victorious Evan Marriott (Joe Millionaire) arm-inarm on camera with Trishelle. (They are so getting drunk together later. Slurp.)

Sigh. Know who I wish was here? Amaya. Remember when she refused to bob for pigs' feet, because she was Jewish and it was against her religion? And then her housemates called her out: "you just ate sausage last week, whaddyou think is in that?" "Beef." Voila, the appeal of reality television.

I think it's safe to say that I'll be back next week.

Comments

[Steve]

Actually, I'm fairly certain Coral had the implants done pre-fame...

[gmazing]

coral's are real, do your homework