Jewish Singles Night Cruise Diary Excerpts

Last Thursday night, I went on a cruise along the Hudson River with about three hundred Jewish singles. I would have called it a Jews Booze Cruise, but it was a cash bar (the bastards). Here are some random thoughts I scribbled down at the night's end.

Trapped on a boat with Jewish singles and a cash bar may be worse than going down on the Titanic. Like the old joke, but with no end: iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg...what's the difference?

I would really like it if people stopped referring to Titanic and Gilligan's Island whenever the boat hit a choppy patch of Hudson. Why are there choppy patches on the Hudson, anyway? Is it high tide in the big city, or did Vinnie from Brooklyn just drop a coupla hundred bodies into the river?

I'm calling that guy over there Bruce Jenner. Why? Because he's wearing a shirt the color of a Wheaties box, and because when I make eye contact with him, he does the Cross-Boat-30-Yard Sprint in the opposite direction.

Those two are the most wasted human beings I think I've ever seen, and I went to a state school. This dance floor grope-a-thon may just be the most interesting and most disturbing part of tonight's event. One thing's for sure: tonight, one of them is going home with vomit in their hair. Possibly, both of them will be going home with vomit in their hair. Note to self: stay 50 yards away from them at all times to avoid the trajectory of any drive-by puking.

Yeshiva boys gyrating on the dance floor to "I Like to Move It Move It"? Now I've seen everything. If they put up a wall of plants, I'm making a swim for it.

Let's play everyone's favorite self-absorbed/body dysmorphic disorder game: would I trade my face for her body? When I look at one woman and think of her as a Butterface, I'm truly ashamed of myself for turning on others of my gender and judging them by appearances. But really, it's about trying to understand why I can't seem to approach men without them going all Carl Lewis or Bruce Jenner on me. I guess it's better than them going all OJ Simpson or Mike Tyson on me, but still. I smack myself on the wrist for denigrating my Jewish sisters in the process of self-doubt and self-analysis.

Twenty minutes before we're even glimpsing the dock, my friends are poised at the door, waiting for Captain Stubing to open the gate to the corral, and let us all, once again, roam free.

Or to put it another way:

Four tickets for the Jewish singles boat cruise on the Hudson River: $106

Additional beverages not included in open bar: $8-20 a person

Number of socially awkward guys we were collectively ducking because they're too awkward to even speak to and yet they persist in bothering us at every event: 4

Number of numbers just one of those socially awkward guys managed to obtain from women over the course of the cruise: 3

Number of men to whom I gave my phone number: 0

Number of men who asked for my phone number: 0

Returning to the pier and running down the gangplank toward taxis and freedom:

PRICELESS.

Comments

[Josia]

Been there, done that - fantastic writing as usual but I'd rather forget about all that stuff.

You're knight is on the way Esther - he'll find you! When you least expect it - you'll discover that he was right in front of you all along!

[T.A.B.]

Sounds like fun. Sorry I missed it. :)

[judi]

That sounds like almost as much fun as a speed-dating Shabbos lunch. Count me among those sorry to have missed it. Thanks for the descriptions, though- I can pour myself a vodka & tonic (conveniently located in my desk drawer.... i wish) & vicariously live the thrill.

There were a few cute Jewish-looking guys on the Port Jeff ferry yeterday. The boat trip cost $55, plus you get to keep your car with you. I can't help but think of the possibilities...

(Esther, I know of a guy. MD. Ortho-lite. Cute. Probably wouldn't be caught dead on a Jewz Cruise. Hmmm?)

[Jessica Leigh]

As always, we Urban Kvetch fans benefit from your social risk-taking. Frankly, enduring three-hour tour with 300 Jewish singles with no possibility of a lifeboat rescue should win you a medal for optimism.
I'm with Josia; your man is out there, Esther. If I could tell you exactly where, I would, but I promise he's not the one puking off the starboard deck.
I just went through a phase where I would have rather traded in my husband for a decent used car (I don't know what other people's marriages are like, but ours is like an oscillating sine wave,) so reading about the current state of the Jewish singles scene is a reality check ;) Great post.

[annabel lee]

Sorry it kinda sucked. But go you for getting out there. And I'd say that coming home without any projectilesl in your hair means you're doing better than some...

[Stella]

As one of your fellow 300 of the "Jew Crew", I concentrated on the views outside the boat versus the 'interesting' people afloat on deck. Nothing can beat the vistas along the Hudson--thats Priceless too! I'd 'set sail' again..just not on a 3 Hour Tour!

aka Juile Mc-Coy-awitz

[PepGiraffe]

Thank you so much for the post. I was seriously debating if it would be worth the money to go on the cruise. I felt a little bad that I didn't go on it because really, if I don't go to every single Jewish event given in the western hemisphere, isn't it a tiny bit my fault that I am not married? So yay! I missed nothing. See you soon!

[Jobber]

I still say you should be humble and attend some kind of human development course. I have sent you info several months ago. It seems to me, as an observer, that nothing is changing for the better. I am not saying to be pessimistic. Only to look for some kind of mind altering experience, no not drugs, that is available to you. What do you have to lose already? Except that you should realize that your literary personae is this. That might be the scariest part to you, not sure. I am only making this statements because I was in your shoes. I was one who had no GF until the age of 27. And after her, there was no one for another 3-4 years, then I met my wife. And this meeting was shortly after I had done the EST forum at that time.

Good luck, Jobber

[Some Loser]

I hear there's good pickings of Jewish men in the Former Soviet Union. Of course with them where does desire of green card end and love begin?

[Tamara]

Oh Boy oh boy oh boy....sigh.
I went to a "Jew-do" tonight. The klutzproductions shin dig in holiday. I have only one not so eloquent word to describe it LAME. I am once again swearing off these types of Jewish events. I think I had better stick to smaller more mellow events where one can actually hear themselves speaking and thinking.

I wish you the best of luck, and all the rest of us nice Jewish girls wondering where the heck these available and decent guys are!

[Some Loser]

From what I read here the only ones benefitting from these mixers are the impresario$ behind them. Hmmmm.....

[Esther]

Well, I don't know...I benefited by being able to write a fairly amusing post, so these events have that going for them, which is nice...

[Some Loser]

You always see the bright side of things Esther. I'll tell you, if I were a Jewish loser instead of a gentile one, I'd ask you for a date!

[Van Sales]

I visited this blog first time and found it very interesting and informative.. Keep up the good work thanks..