Friday Night Lights: A Reader's Response

A friend of mine read my latest column on Friday Night Lights, and sent me the following email. She is a wonderful, friendly, ambitious, caring, fashionable, good-natured, warm-hearted professional woman whose exact age I don't know and won't ask because she's got a timeless quality about her.

I found her response so moving and well-written that I wanted to share it with you. She writes that ten years ago she attended some communal Shabbat outreach dinners between two Upper West Side synagogues, one Modern Orthodox and the other liberal Conservative:

One dinner struck me the most. A woman asked Rabbi X about why we light Shabbat candles. The Rabbi gave her a halachic reason, which while true, was not inspirational. Because I loved lighting candles, I offered my own response, which was: "The world stops when I light Shabbat candles. For these few moments, I have a direct line to HaShem. I pray for what I want and what I need, and I feel truly heard. When I open my eyes I see the flames and I am comforted." Weeks later I saw that woman again and she told me that because of my words, she began lighting Shabbat candles.

Well - over the years, my conversations with God became more complacent... HaShem - you know what I am asking for .... so please....  And then my prayers became about asking for the strenghth to survive my heartbreaks for those who were no longer in my life, and the one who never came into my life...  And now, really, I don't even bother to light... partly because of the logistics you pose regarding fire.... but really because it seems more painful to see the candles flickering for no one. I used to light 3 candles... my late mother did and when it came to my first Shabbos without her, 3 symbolized my mother, my brother and me as a family. About 5 years ago, when my brother got married, I began lighting just 2 flames. And now, with my mother gone 16 years, and my hopes of starting a family of my own dwindling... lighting candles is just depressing. Perhaps on the subconcious level, if I don't light the flame, the hope cannot flicker out.

The other night I watched as my nieces mimicked their mother and covered their eyes and as she lit the five candles that represent her family members. After she completed the bracha, they opened their eyes widely and wished their Mommy and big brother a Good Shabbos. Those five candles were the brightest flames I have seen in a long time. Next to those, my candles can't - well -hold a candle.

Comments

[Jobber]

Very touching letter. I read some books by Rabbi Frand recently, you may want to get them. He is very emotional really. Basically his message is never lose up, you will rise from the ashes. IOW, be optimistic. I would say if the candles depress you, then NG. Maybe a few singles could get together and have a candle lighting ceremony together?

[writersbloc gal]

this is truly lovely!! thank you for sharing this!

[Essie]

very beautiful...thanks for sharing. Shabbat Shalom.

[Spring]

Well, my "this is a touching letter, thanks for sharing" comment isn't very original, but I'll say it anyway.

It's wonderful. Thanks for sharing.

[Chutzpah]

I understand this very well, trying to express my same feelings on this subject is now even more difficult given the eloquent way you both wrote about it. Funny how all this time I thought I was THE ONLY ONE who felt this way, I'm saddened yet comforted to know others feel similiarly.

[Daphna]

I read both the response and your original column and was blown away. Very well done! As for me, I light candles, but if I can do it, it is probably because I make sure not to attach too much meaning to them. Probably not the best attitude, but the only one that works for me right now. Kind of like, I can be observant, so long as I don't think about G-d....

[Jobber]

There is alot of anger and pain. It manifest itself in many ways. One thing that I find inspiring, and I know this is not a nechama, but as being married, I must tell you that it is nice to see such a desire by someone else to get married. That for many people married, they are bored and tired of it, and secretly wish they had the guts or the werewithall to become single again, and have what they perceive as more fun. Yes the grass is greener attitude. It is therefore very positive to read of such longing as you and others have to change the other way.
It helps in the trials and tribulations of married life, the constant bickering over silliness, due to having to abide by anothers perspective and ways.
I do hope the summer will be bringing to you the ultimate summer romance that you so deserve!